Question for Spouses

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Allie

New member
As Miesl said, we are wellspouses, and still our opinion was considered invalid because I didn't get to take care of Ry for 19 years. I would have killed to get Ry for that long.

MY problem was with the people trying to say that an affair is okay because you are a wellspouse, so the laws of fidelity and respecting your vows don't apply to you. Boo hoo. There is more to life than sex. I haven't had sex in a good year, and I'm not even close to running off and finding a lover to fulfill my 'needs'.

I feel horrendously cheated every time I read that board. These people who act tlike their spouse is less than human get them for 10,20, 30 years. I got nothing close to that, and I loved Ry. I loved him and considered him a human being, not a pet or some huge burden that I couldn't wait to be rid of. The unfairness strikes me to my very core.

frankly, and I don't care of you think this is unfair, I think the only reason they stay with their illspouse is to look good. To seem like really good people. But you can't be a good, giving person and sneak around on someone. I'd rather be divorced than have someone sneak arund on me like I was less than nothing.

I won't ever think that cheating is okay, and that taking someone for granted when you should be grateful they are alive is okay. Things like RA? Give me a break. I would take care of Ry for those 19 years. No question. I took my vows seriously.
 
A

Allie

New member
As Miesl said, we are wellspouses, and still our opinion was considered invalid because I didn't get to take care of Ry for 19 years. I would have killed to get Ry for that long.

MY problem was with the people trying to say that an affair is okay because you are a wellspouse, so the laws of fidelity and respecting your vows don't apply to you. Boo hoo. There is more to life than sex. I haven't had sex in a good year, and I'm not even close to running off and finding a lover to fulfill my 'needs'.

I feel horrendously cheated every time I read that board. These people who act tlike their spouse is less than human get them for 10,20, 30 years. I got nothing close to that, and I loved Ry. I loved him and considered him a human being, not a pet or some huge burden that I couldn't wait to be rid of. The unfairness strikes me to my very core.

frankly, and I don't care of you think this is unfair, I think the only reason they stay with their illspouse is to look good. To seem like really good people. But you can't be a good, giving person and sneak around on someone. I'd rather be divorced than have someone sneak arund on me like I was less than nothing.

I won't ever think that cheating is okay, and that taking someone for granted when you should be grateful they are alive is okay. Things like RA? Give me a break. I would take care of Ry for those 19 years. No question. I took my vows seriously.
 
A

anonymous

New member
I have to say, I agree with Allie. And Emily.
It may be "good" of a person to take care of a sick loved one. But it is not "good" to cheat on your mate. Especially when they are incapaciated.
Some of these people that are doing this-I really hope that you don't walk off the sidewalk and get in an accident that leaves you disabled and unable to be intimate.
I don't think these people are wicked, just extremely self centered.

Anyway, it's been beaten to death, but I think some credit should be given to Emily, Allie, and others that said how they felt. Whether you agree or not, I applaud you for standing up for how you feel on such a touchy subject.

Christian
 
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anonymous

New member
I have to say, I agree with Allie. And Emily.
It may be "good" of a person to take care of a sick loved one. But it is not "good" to cheat on your mate. Especially when they are incapaciated.
Some of these people that are doing this-I really hope that you don't walk off the sidewalk and get in an accident that leaves you disabled and unable to be intimate.
I don't think these people are wicked, just extremely self centered.

Anyway, it's been beaten to death, but I think some credit should be given to Emily, Allie, and others that said how they felt. Whether you agree or not, I applaud you for standing up for how you feel on such a touchy subject.

Christian
 
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Wunderkin23

New member
Fair enough. But this is a arguement brought on by blogs in general.... It's still a PUBLIC forum. If in fact, ONLY WellSpouses are welcome, there should be an application process, and it should be locked to anyone who is not a member. It becomes an issue of "I'm going to publically say what I want, but you're not supposed to be listening so you can't have an opinion or respond". Personal counciling goes on between TWO people, the person who is recieving the counciling and the councilar. This is a bit more broad. And I think it is unhealthy to find somewhere where everyone pats you on the back and tells you everything you're doing is okay because you have it rough. I'm not saying that is what WellSpouses does, please don't missunderstand. I just think that if you are going to post something in a PUBLIC forum, unless it is locked to anyone who is not part of the forum, you must accept the consequences of such actions. If that means you've offended someone, you're more than welcome to shrug it off and say you don't care that they were offended, but to get MAD at someone for paying attention to what you just wrote for other people to read and subsequently being offended.... I just don't agree. If I have a business meeting that I don't want the details of to be overheard by an opposing company, I would not hold the meeting in a crowded restaraunt. Yes, it's probably rude and not okay for the people at the next table to be listening in.... but that doesn't stop them from doing so if they choose. So if I don't want them to listen, I have a PRIVATE meeting.

And that's what it really comes down to. If you let the public in to your area, even if it's just to observe some of the good you do for other's, you have to expect the public to come in. If you want something a bit more private, you have to ensure your site has the tools to make sure it's private. You can not just expect everyone on the internet to "respect your space". Yeah, it would be nice, but it's just not how the internet, or the world works. I've had this arguement with my fiance too.... it's in part about censorship. Do you tame down what you say to not offend someone, or do you have the right to say whatever you feel like saying? If you have the right to say whatever you like, in whatever manner you like.... so do the people around you. You can't have it both ways. Either there is NO censorship, or you have to be respectfull and careful of what YOU say as well....,

And I respect that the site is not for people with an illness. And that's why I didn't infultrate and say rude things, or try to openly give my opinion to people who wouldn't listen too or respect it. (because part of me wanted to go into "attack" mode). I just think it's hypocritical to tell someone that you're going to "say whatever you like" and then get angry because you've responded in the same manner....
 
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Wunderkin23

New member
Fair enough. But this is a arguement brought on by blogs in general.... It's still a PUBLIC forum. If in fact, ONLY WellSpouses are welcome, there should be an application process, and it should be locked to anyone who is not a member. It becomes an issue of "I'm going to publically say what I want, but you're not supposed to be listening so you can't have an opinion or respond". Personal counciling goes on between TWO people, the person who is recieving the counciling and the councilar. This is a bit more broad. And I think it is unhealthy to find somewhere where everyone pats you on the back and tells you everything you're doing is okay because you have it rough. I'm not saying that is what WellSpouses does, please don't missunderstand. I just think that if you are going to post something in a PUBLIC forum, unless it is locked to anyone who is not part of the forum, you must accept the consequences of such actions. If that means you've offended someone, you're more than welcome to shrug it off and say you don't care that they were offended, but to get MAD at someone for paying attention to what you just wrote for other people to read and subsequently being offended.... I just don't agree. If I have a business meeting that I don't want the details of to be overheard by an opposing company, I would not hold the meeting in a crowded restaraunt. Yes, it's probably rude and not okay for the people at the next table to be listening in.... but that doesn't stop them from doing so if they choose. So if I don't want them to listen, I have a PRIVATE meeting.

And that's what it really comes down to. If you let the public in to your area, even if it's just to observe some of the good you do for other's, you have to expect the public to come in. If you want something a bit more private, you have to ensure your site has the tools to make sure it's private. You can not just expect everyone on the internet to "respect your space". Yeah, it would be nice, but it's just not how the internet, or the world works. I've had this arguement with my fiance too.... it's in part about censorship. Do you tame down what you say to not offend someone, or do you have the right to say whatever you feel like saying? If you have the right to say whatever you like, in whatever manner you like.... so do the people around you. You can't have it both ways. Either there is NO censorship, or you have to be respectfull and careful of what YOU say as well....,

And I respect that the site is not for people with an illness. And that's why I didn't infultrate and say rude things, or try to openly give my opinion to people who wouldn't listen too or respect it. (because part of me wanted to go into "attack" mode). I just think it's hypocritical to tell someone that you're going to "say whatever you like" and then get angry because you've responded in the same manner....
 
A

anonymous

New member
Yes Wunderkin, I think you have written a great letter. When we enter into foreign territory, we can expect to be shot down. Regardless of our own personal situation, these people don't want to hear how we feel. They have a complete different agenda......they feed on support from like minded creatures to help ease their troubled minds.
 
A

anonymous

New member
Yes Wunderkin, I think you have written a great letter. When we enter into foreign territory, we can expect to be shot down. Regardless of our own personal situation, these people don't want to hear how we feel. They have a complete different agenda......they feed on support from like minded creatures to help ease their troubled minds.
 
A

anonymous

New member
I come in peace. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I don't know what was said on the WS board, and I'm starting to think that's a very good thing! I would like to believe that I will always be faithful to my husband. I take that seriously, but I'm not willing to "throw the first stone" because I know that we're all human.

I usually avoid that entire section of the board, and the few times it's appeared in other sections, I had no problem speaking my mind on how I felt about the issue. I was never attacked for my views, degraded or dismissed. I've only been taking care of my husband for 2 years, but that fact was never brought up.

The bitterness and anger expressed towards these folks is really uncalled for. I'm sorry you feel cheated Allie, and I think I can understand what you're feeling. Right after his accident my husband almost died, and then was in a coma for more than 2 months. When he began to be able to communicate by blinking his eyes, and then later by moving a finger, and finally by talking, I was so grateful that he had made it and was slowly coming back. I couldn't understand the perspective of people who complained, yet their spouses were doing so much better than mine was. I couldn't understand how they could not be grateful for every minute that they had. I understand now. And I understand all the feelings and conflicting emotions, and pain and grief and deep, deep sorrow, and stress, incredible stress that people can experience when caring for a spouse. I'm not excusing anyone's actions -- but I do understand. It took me being there to understand, and in a way I'm grateful for the experience. I have been in my life most guilty of pride and self-righteousness. That has always been one of my biggest problems. After all I've been through with my husband, my kids, and more, I'm finally realizing that I don't have anything anymore to be self-righteous about. I'm finally seeing things from the other side. It is humbling.

I see where you may have been coming from, and your indignance at the disrepect you felt was being shown to their spouses. I get that. But I also know that many feel that the WS board is a sanctuary where they can go ahead and speak their thoughts and feelings without being judged, without having to hold anything back. They fight fiercely for that, and are very protective of that space, and with good reason. Every other board that I know of centers on the person with the illness, and this is the only place that they can go where it's about them, how they are affected, how we are affected by our spouse's illness or injury. Everywhere else the focus is on their spouse. Friends ask, how is your husband/wife doing? Doctors inquire on the health of their patient. Family members ask how things are going for their spouse. This is the one place where it's about us. Where we can share our perspective, where we can go ahead and be "selfish" and for a minute talk about how we're coping, how we're handling things, how it's going for us, and for a minute or two have the focus on our lives.

Both people in the marriage are important. One life is not of more value than the other. A lot of the folks on the WS board have spent so much of their lives taking care of their spouses, making sure that their husband/wife's needs were met, running errands for them, arranging doctor's appointments, and physical hands-on caring for their spouse that they end up neglecting their own lives and health. We have to sometimes remind each other to take care of ourselves too. If our spouses were also allowed on the site it would quickly become another place for and about them. We need a place for us. A safe place where we can drop everything and cry on each other's shoulders, lift each other up, and be reminded that we're people too. A place where we can share our troubles and concerns with other folks who've been there, who understand and won't tell us to just suck it up and work harder, but give us permission to be weak at times, fail at times, and just be.

Diana
 
A

anonymous

New member
I come in peace. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I don't know what was said on the WS board, and I'm starting to think that's a very good thing! I would like to believe that I will always be faithful to my husband. I take that seriously, but I'm not willing to "throw the first stone" because I know that we're all human.

I usually avoid that entire section of the board, and the few times it's appeared in other sections, I had no problem speaking my mind on how I felt about the issue. I was never attacked for my views, degraded or dismissed. I've only been taking care of my husband for 2 years, but that fact was never brought up.

The bitterness and anger expressed towards these folks is really uncalled for. I'm sorry you feel cheated Allie, and I think I can understand what you're feeling. Right after his accident my husband almost died, and then was in a coma for more than 2 months. When he began to be able to communicate by blinking his eyes, and then later by moving a finger, and finally by talking, I was so grateful that he had made it and was slowly coming back. I couldn't understand the perspective of people who complained, yet their spouses were doing so much better than mine was. I couldn't understand how they could not be grateful for every minute that they had. I understand now. And I understand all the feelings and conflicting emotions, and pain and grief and deep, deep sorrow, and stress, incredible stress that people can experience when caring for a spouse. I'm not excusing anyone's actions -- but I do understand. It took me being there to understand, and in a way I'm grateful for the experience. I have been in my life most guilty of pride and self-righteousness. That has always been one of my biggest problems. After all I've been through with my husband, my kids, and more, I'm finally realizing that I don't have anything anymore to be self-righteous about. I'm finally seeing things from the other side. It is humbling.

I see where you may have been coming from, and your indignance at the disrepect you felt was being shown to their spouses. I get that. But I also know that many feel that the WS board is a sanctuary where they can go ahead and speak their thoughts and feelings without being judged, without having to hold anything back. They fight fiercely for that, and are very protective of that space, and with good reason. Every other board that I know of centers on the person with the illness, and this is the only place that they can go where it's about them, how they are affected, how we are affected by our spouse's illness or injury. Everywhere else the focus is on their spouse. Friends ask, how is your husband/wife doing? Doctors inquire on the health of their patient. Family members ask how things are going for their spouse. This is the one place where it's about us. Where we can share our perspective, where we can go ahead and be "selfish" and for a minute talk about how we're coping, how we're handling things, how it's going for us, and for a minute or two have the focus on our lives.

Both people in the marriage are important. One life is not of more value than the other. A lot of the folks on the WS board have spent so much of their lives taking care of their spouses, making sure that their husband/wife's needs were met, running errands for them, arranging doctor's appointments, and physical hands-on caring for their spouse that they end up neglecting their own lives and health. We have to sometimes remind each other to take care of ourselves too. If our spouses were also allowed on the site it would quickly become another place for and about them. We need a place for us. A safe place where we can drop everything and cry on each other's shoulders, lift each other up, and be reminded that we're people too. A place where we can share our troubles and concerns with other folks who've been there, who understand and won't tell us to just suck it up and work harder, but give us permission to be weak at times, fail at times, and just be.

Diana
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
Makes sense, but I still have to agree with what Wunderkin said. If it's a forum you don't want people coming in and sharing opinions on, it should be a more secure (only to members) forum. That way if someone finds a way in, it's thoroughly their own fault because they actively pursued it. If I happen to come across something in open internet space, it's going to be hard to expect people to NEVER share dissenting opinions. Maybe suggest that to your forum admin. It would be a wise move if you guys would like to continue to have your very private space. Otherwise, this is liable to happen again sometime. Not by me, but odds are someone else will stumble on it and find it offensive. I think it would be a very <b>very</b> good idea for your forum to be more secure and accessible to "members only."
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
Makes sense, but I still have to agree with what Wunderkin said. If it's a forum you don't want people coming in and sharing opinions on, it should be a more secure (only to members) forum. That way if someone finds a way in, it's thoroughly their own fault because they actively pursued it. If I happen to come across something in open internet space, it's going to be hard to expect people to NEVER share dissenting opinions. Maybe suggest that to your forum admin. It would be a wise move if you guys would like to continue to have your very private space. Otherwise, this is liable to happen again sometime. Not by me, but odds are someone else will stumble on it and find it offensive. I think it would be a very <b>very</b> good idea for your forum to be more secure and accessible to "members only."
 
A

anonymous

New member
WS here -

Actually incidents like that are quite rare on the WS board. As a general rule people read the signs and learn a bit before posting. Those who come with a sincere and open mind are always welcome.

Might I suggest that by saying that we are in the wrong for not being under lock and key that you are practicing a bit of rationalization and blame the victim. Something like "Sorry judge, I should not have assaulted that woman, but she should not have been out at night and she shouldn't have been wearing clothes that made me lose control." Just something to think about...

I remember what it was like to be 22. I was so idealistic and I was so certain that I was right and wise. I am 36 now, I have been a well spouse for 10 years, and I am the mother of a teen and a tweener. Gosh I feel old, and I am not nearly so certain of my own rightousness. What I have learned along the way is that if I am upset and disturbed by other views that perhaps it would be appropriate to listen a bit and try to understand. A person can learn a lot that way.
 
A

anonymous

New member
WS here -

Actually incidents like that are quite rare on the WS board. As a general rule people read the signs and learn a bit before posting. Those who come with a sincere and open mind are always welcome.

Might I suggest that by saying that we are in the wrong for not being under lock and key that you are practicing a bit of rationalization and blame the victim. Something like "Sorry judge, I should not have assaulted that woman, but she should not have been out at night and she shouldn't have been wearing clothes that made me lose control." Just something to think about...

I remember what it was like to be 22. I was so idealistic and I was so certain that I was right and wise. I am 36 now, I have been a well spouse for 10 years, and I am the mother of a teen and a tweener. Gosh I feel old, and I am not nearly so certain of my own rightousness. What I have learned along the way is that if I am upset and disturbed by other views that perhaps it would be appropriate to listen a bit and try to understand. A person can learn a lot that way.
 
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miesl

New member
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that some of the posters from WS are playing all nicey-nice here - then going back to bash us on their own board.

Bonus points for maturity.
 
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miesl

New member
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that some of the posters from WS are playing all nicey-nice here - then going back to bash us on their own board.

Bonus points for maturity.
 
A

anonymous

New member
Seems that eveyone has made their opinions and feelings very clear. Just let it go now. What is to be gained by going back over there to see what others have posted. You're just going to make yourself upset again. Agree to disagree & get on with things.
 
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anonymous

New member
Seems that eveyone has made their opinions and feelings very clear. Just let it go now. What is to be gained by going back over there to see what others have posted. You're just going to make yourself upset again. Agree to disagree & get on with things.
 
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