rock bottom...

WitheredBlackRose · Jun 28, 2010

I've had it up to here. I've had CF my entire life; diagnosed at birth. At 16, it's too much. I hate this. I hate my body, I hate my entire life. Not so much the meds and treatments, though those suck, but just knowing that I'm a total FREAK OF NATURE!!! Human beings aren't suppossed to live like this; this is all a mistake. I'm sick of coughing and people asking if I'm okay when I just want them to shut the **** up. They'll never know; they'll always be ignorant. I hate knowing that I'm nothing but a walking mucus bag, nothing but a file on a shelf in a hospital. I'm gonna die at 36, if not sooner, and this life is totally WORTHLESS. Like I'm just a waste of space, a waste of breath (pun not intended), a waste of LIFE. This isn't life; there's no purpose, no real future. I know I don't have a future; when the present consists only of hospitals and meds and treatments and shame, how can there be a FUTURE?? I feel so detatched from my family and friends, like I don't really belong with them. I can't go on like this, I hate myself too much and I have the cuts on my wrist to prove it; as if bleeding will convince me I'm alive. I want to believe that I'm not alone but I can't. I want to believe there is "hope," whatever that may mean, but I know there isn't. Life shouldn't be about worrying about your freakish body and meds; it should be about LIVING. And with CF, I'm not living. I'm dying. I'm just coughing and cutting and crying and dying and I just want it all to be OVER. Be reborn in a body that's actually HUMAN and forget about all this. Aaahhhhh, help me!!! I know you all are thinking that I'm just wining and I should get over it, and maybe you're right. But I can't, I'm too ashamed; I've hit rock bottom and it's all my body's fault. It's all CF'S FAULT!!!!

WitheredBlackRose · Jun 28, 2010

I've had it up to here. I've had CF my entire life; diagnosed at birth. At 16, it's too much. I hate this. I hate my body, I hate my entire life. Not so much the meds and treatments, though those suck, but just knowing that I'm a total FREAK OF NATURE!!! Human beings aren't suppossed to live like this; this is all a mistake. I'm sick of coughing and people asking if I'm okay when I just want them to shut the **** up. They'll never know; they'll always be ignorant. I hate knowing that I'm nothing but a walking mucus bag, nothing but a file on a shelf in a hospital. I'm gonna die at 36, if not sooner, and this life is totally WORTHLESS. Like I'm just a waste of space, a waste of breath (pun not intended), a waste of LIFE. This isn't life; there's no purpose, no real future. I know I don't have a future; when the present consists only of hospitals and meds and treatments and shame, how can there be a FUTURE?? I feel so detatched from my family and friends, like I don't really belong with them. I can't go on like this, I hate myself too much and I have the cuts on my wrist to prove it; as if bleeding will convince me I'm alive. I want to believe that I'm not alone but I can't. I want to believe there is "hope," whatever that may mean, but I know there isn't. Life shouldn't be about worrying about your freakish body and meds; it should be about LIVING. And with CF, I'm not living. I'm dying. I'm just coughing and cutting and crying and dying and I just want it all to be OVER. Be reborn in a body that's actually HUMAN and forget about all this. Aaahhhhh, help me!!! I know you all are thinking that I'm just wining and I should get over it, and maybe you're right. But I can't, I'm too ashamed; I've hit rock bottom and it's all my body's fault. It's all CF'S FAULT!!!!

WitheredBlackRose · Jun 28, 2010

I've had it up to here. I've had CF my entire life; diagnosed at birth. At 16, it's too much. I hate this. I hate my body, I hate my entire life. Not so much the meds and treatments, though those suck, but just knowing that I'm a total FREAK OF NATURE!!! Human beings aren't suppossed to live like this; this is all a mistake. I'm sick of coughing and people asking if I'm okay when I just want them to shut the **** up. They'll never know; they'll always be ignorant. I hate knowing that I'm nothing but a walking mucus bag, nothing but a file on a shelf in a hospital. I'm gonna die at 36, if not sooner, and this life is totally WORTHLESS. Like I'm just a waste of space, a waste of breath (pun not intended), a waste of LIFE. This isn't life; there's no purpose, no real future. I know I don't have a future; when the present consists only of hospitals and meds and treatments and shame, how can there be a FUTURE?? I feel so detatched from my family and friends, like I don't really belong with them. I can't go on like this, I hate myself too much and I have the cuts on my wrist to prove it; as if bleeding will convince me I'm alive. I want to believe that I'm not alone but I can't. I want to believe there is "hope," whatever that may mean, but I know there isn't. Life shouldn't be about worrying about your freakish body and meds; it should be about LIVING. And with CF, I'm not living. I'm dying. I'm just coughing and cutting and crying and dying and I just want it all to be OVER. Be reborn in a body that's actually HUMAN and forget about all this. Aaahhhhh, help me!!! I know you all are thinking that I'm just wining and I should get over it, and maybe you're right. But I can't, I'm too ashamed; I've hit rock bottom and it's all my body's fault. It's all CF'S FAULT!!!!

bananagirl · Jun 28, 2010

I have to say I have never felt exactly like this but I totally get where you are coming from. It sucks so much having cf and for a million different reasons, it could be the stupid meds and treatments we have to do each day, the fact they we do all the stuff knowing we are never going to get better only worse, being locked in the stupid hospital or as I would rather call it jail, we are different from other people and we have to deal with that too, like you said people are constantly asking "are you ok" That is one thing that really pisses me off cuz its like no I'm not ok but why should I tell you that cuz you can't do anything unless you want to rip out your healthy lungs and give them to me. And probably the worst thing of all is the fact that people with cf aren't supposed to be around each other which is like the one thing that would make this more bearable if we had a group of people who totally got it to hang with. Anyway I figure you don't really want a reply to this cuz I know there isn't anything I can do to fix it at all but at the very least you aren't alone. If you want to talk or anything you can e-mail me my email is annabananaarb@yahoo.com just put somthing about cf in the subject.

bananagirl · Jun 28, 2010

I have to say I have never felt exactly like this but I totally get where you are coming from. It sucks so much having cf and for a million different reasons, it could be the stupid meds and treatments we have to do each day, the fact they we do all the stuff knowing we are never going to get better only worse, being locked in the stupid hospital or as I would rather call it jail, we are different from other people and we have to deal with that too, like you said people are constantly asking "are you ok" That is one thing that really pisses me off cuz its like no I'm not ok but why should I tell you that cuz you can't do anything unless you want to rip out your healthy lungs and give them to me. And probably the worst thing of all is the fact that people with cf aren't supposed to be around each other which is like the one thing that would make this more bearable if we had a group of people who totally got it to hang with. Anyway I figure you don't really want a reply to this cuz I know there isn't anything I can do to fix it at all but at the very least you aren't alone. If you want to talk or anything you can e-mail me my email is annabananaarb@yahoo.com just put somthing about cf in the subject.

bananagirl · Jun 28, 2010

I have to say I have never felt exactly like this but I totally get where you are coming from. It sucks so much having cf and for a million different reasons, it could be the stupid meds and treatments we have to do each day, the fact they we do all the stuff knowing we are never going to get better only worse, being locked in the stupid hospital or as I would rather call it jail, we are different from other people and we have to deal with that too, like you said people are constantly asking "are you ok" That is one thing that really pisses me off cuz its like no I'm not ok but why should I tell you that cuz you can't do anything unless you want to rip out your healthy lungs and give them to me. And probably the worst thing of all is the fact that people with cf aren't supposed to be around each other which is like the one thing that would make this more bearable if we had a group of people who totally got it to hang with. Anyway I figure you don't really want a reply to this cuz I know there isn't anything I can do to fix it at all but at the very least you aren't alone. If you want to talk or anything you can e-mail me my email is annabananaarb@yahoo.com just put somthing about cf in the subject.

WitheredBlackRose · Jul 1, 2010

Thank you. You are a very kind person. I didn't expect anyone to reply to this...
That's so true about the people asking if you're okay; I couldn't have said it better myself. I just want to scream at them to shut up and quit asking me that and use their brain for once in their life. (Actually, I did do that one time...)
And... I just don't know anyone with CF; I didn't know we aren't allowed to be around each other. Why is that??
Ah, I've been having all these scary thoughts of killing myself!! I don't know what to do, I'm so messed up!!
Anyways, thank you...

WitheredBlackRose · Jul 1, 2010

Thank you. You are a very kind person. I didn't expect anyone to reply to this...
That's so true about the people asking if you're okay; I couldn't have said it better myself. I just want to scream at them to shut up and quit asking me that and use their brain for once in their life. (Actually, I did do that one time...)
And... I just don't know anyone with CF; I didn't know we aren't allowed to be around each other. Why is that??
Ah, I've been having all these scary thoughts of killing myself!! I don't know what to do, I'm so messed up!!
Anyways, thank you...

WitheredBlackRose · Jul 1, 2010

Thank you. You are a very kind person. I didn't expect anyone to reply to this...
 That's so true about the people asking if you're okay; I couldn't have said it better myself. I just want to scream at them to shut up and quit asking me that and use their brain for once in their life. (Actually, I did do that one time...)
 And... I just don't know anyone with CF; I didn't know we aren't allowed to be around each other. Why is that??
 Ah, I've been having all these scary thoughts of killing myself!! I don't know what to do, I'm so messed up!!
 Anyways, thank you...

sasami · Jul 7, 2010

I'm almost 16 and I get to angry with life. I just found out I have cfrd and now not only do I do my treatment and meds I have to take insulin. My doc tells me I can't get my permit or license to drive because I can't control my levels. It sux, my parents drive me crazy, my friends are supportive, but yeah they don't have to do any of this crap. The only person I even listen to is my boyfriend and he reminds me to do my insulin crap and enzymes. I cheat on my meds, but my mom usually finds out, I swear she has cameras around the house. I missed 2 months of school this year because of the diabetes and when I went back kids were like, we thought you died or something or some other crap. Just let me be normal and not live my life on a schedule.

sasami · Jul 7, 2010

I'm almost 16 and I get to angry with life. I just found out I have cfrd and now not only do I do my treatment and meds I have to take insulin. My doc tells me I can't get my permit or license to drive because I can't control my levels. It sux, my parents drive me crazy, my friends are supportive, but yeah they don't have to do any of this crap. The only person I even listen to is my boyfriend and he reminds me to do my insulin crap and enzymes. I cheat on my meds, but my mom usually finds out, I swear she has cameras around the house. I missed 2 months of school this year because of the diabetes and when I went back kids were like, we thought you died or something or some other crap. Just let me be normal and not live my life on a schedule.

sasami · Jul 7, 2010

I'm almost 16 and I get to angry with life. I just found out I have cfrd and now not only do I do my treatment and meds I have to take insulin. My doc tells me I can't get my permit or license to drive because I can't control my levels. It sux, my parents drive me crazy, my friends are supportive, but yeah they don't have to do any of this crap. The only person I even listen to is my boyfriend and he reminds me to do my insulin crap and enzymes. I cheat on my meds, but my mom usually finds out, I swear she has cameras around the house. I missed 2 months of school this year because of the diabetes and when I went back kids were like, we thought you died or something or some other crap. Just let me be normal and not live my life on a schedule.

stargazer76078 · Jul 7, 2010

I've just read through this and I want to say something without being jumped all over. I don't have CF but my boyfriend does along with asthma (which isn't too bad) and we are both 21. He and I have a mutual friend that has severe asthma (worse than his) and any time she starts coughing it has become instinct for me to all of a sudden become attentive in case I have to grab her inhaler. So because I have been friends with her for longer than he and I have been dating you can see how instinct can kick in even when it is someone different.

Anyways, we've been together so long that I know his cough from across our university's library and I know when it is a normal one or bad one. I know he probably doesn't like when I ask if he is ok but I only do it because I don't know what else to do but I want to try convey "that I am here and if I need to do something I'll do it". Most of the time when he looks like he is in pain or in a coughing fit I wish I could just take all of it away. It is hard being on this side also, maybe not as hard as the side you are on but it can be tough. Especially when they are stuck in their dorm room sick and you can't just go over there and take care of them.

Again please no jumping all over this.

stargazer76078 · Jul 7, 2010

I've just read through this and I want to say something without being jumped all over. I don't have CF but my boyfriend does along with asthma (which isn't too bad) and we are both 21. He and I have a mutual friend that has severe asthma (worse than his) and any time she starts coughing it has become instinct for me to all of a sudden become attentive in case I have to grab her inhaler. So because I have been friends with her for longer than he and I have been dating you can see how instinct can kick in even when it is someone different.

Anyways, we've been together so long that I know his cough from across our university's library and I know when it is a normal one or bad one. I know he probably doesn't like when I ask if he is ok but I only do it because I don't know what else to do but I want to try convey "that I am here and if I need to do something I'll do it". Most of the time when he looks like he is in pain or in a coughing fit I wish I could just take all of it away. It is hard being on this side also, maybe not as hard as the side you are on but it can be tough. Especially when they are stuck in their dorm room sick and you can't just go over there and take care of them.

Again please no jumping all over this.

stargazer76078 · Jul 7, 2010

I've just read through this and I want to say something without being jumped all over. I don't have CF but my boyfriend does along with asthma (which isn't too bad) and we are both 21. He and I have a mutual friend that has severe asthma (worse than his) and any time she starts coughing it has become instinct for me to all of a sudden become attentive in case I have to grab her inhaler. So because I have been friends with her for longer than he and I have been dating you can see how instinct can kick in even when it is someone different.
 
 Anyways, we've been together so long that I know his cough from across our university's library and I know when it is a normal one or bad one. I know he probably doesn't like when I ask if he is ok but I only do it because I don't know what else to do but I want to try convey "that I am here and if I need to do something I'll do it". Most of the time when he looks like he is in pain or in a coughing fit I wish I could just take all of it away. It is hard being on this side also, maybe not as hard as the side you are on but it can be tough. Especially when they are stuck in their dorm room sick and you can't just go over there and take care of them.
 
 Again please no jumping all over this.

bethylove · Jul 9, 2010

Dear Miss Witheredblackrose --

did you steal my diary?? I could have sworn I have this exact page in -- oh, all my diaries actually. I've been where you are. I've been there so many times. The worst part for me was the isolation. I had a sister with CF but we NEVER spoke about it, of it, even topics close to it. CF was the elephant in the room and I was being trampled. I cried for weeks, I didn't care about myself enough to do any of my meds, I didn't think it was worth the fight. And oh, the isolation. I felt like no one understood. But I've been there - right where you are. And I know it hurts. It hurts so much and it doesn't seem like anything can help. But little by little I started to piece my life together. I may still be figuring out the best way to live, but I'm doing it, and its worth it. I'll never forget the day I broke down and allowed myself to call for help. That was the day I was saved.

Please please please, try talking to someone. I had a wonderful therapist who specialized in chronic illness - sometimes it was as easy as just letting it all out, all my frustration, anger, sadness, everything I let it out on her. She saw my highs my lows, and everything in between. And it helped. The hurt started to go away. I'm not saying it will happen over night, but there is a chance to change, to make things better. You say you've hit rock bottom, well there's no where to go but up now, right? So brush yourself off and try to love yourself, because you are worth it. You've been through so much and probably have so much to offer that it would be a shame to let it go to waste. You deserve better than that.

I'm also sending you a PM with info to contact me if you ever need me.
Lots of Love and Hugs,
Beth

bethylove · Jul 9, 2010

Dear Miss Witheredblackrose --

did you steal my diary?? I could have sworn I have this exact page in -- oh, all my diaries actually. I've been where you are. I've been there so many times. The worst part for me was the isolation. I had a sister with CF but we NEVER spoke about it, of it, even topics close to it. CF was the elephant in the room and I was being trampled. I cried for weeks, I didn't care about myself enough to do any of my meds, I didn't think it was worth the fight. And oh, the isolation. I felt like no one understood. But I've been there - right where you are. And I know it hurts. It hurts so much and it doesn't seem like anything can help. But little by little I started to piece my life together. I may still be figuring out the best way to live, but I'm doing it, and its worth it. I'll never forget the day I broke down and allowed myself to call for help. That was the day I was saved.

Please please please, try talking to someone. I had a wonderful therapist who specialized in chronic illness - sometimes it was as easy as just letting it all out, all my frustration, anger, sadness, everything I let it out on her. She saw my highs my lows, and everything in between. And it helped. The hurt started to go away. I'm not saying it will happen over night, but there is a chance to change, to make things better. You say you've hit rock bottom, well there's no where to go but up now, right? So brush yourself off and try to love yourself, because you are worth it. You've been through so much and probably have so much to offer that it would be a shame to let it go to waste. You deserve better than that.

I'm also sending you a PM with info to contact me if you ever need me.
Lots of Love and Hugs,
Beth

bethylove · Jul 9, 2010

Dear Miss Witheredblackrose --
 
 did you steal my diary?? I could have sworn I have this exact page in -- oh, all my diaries actually. I've been where you are. I've been there so many times. The worst part for me was the isolation. I had a sister with CF but we NEVER spoke about it, of it, even topics close to it. CF was the elephant in the room and I was being trampled. I cried for weeks, I didn't care about myself enough to do any of my meds, I didn't think it was worth the fight. And oh, the isolation. I felt like no one understood. But I've been there - right where you are. And I know it hurts. It hurts so much and it doesn't seem like anything can help. But little by little I started to piece my life together. I may still be figuring out the best way to live, but I'm doing it, and its worth it. I'll never forget the day I broke down and allowed myself to call for help. That was the day I was saved.
 
 Please please please, try talking to someone. I had a wonderful therapist who specialized in chronic illness - sometimes it was as easy as just letting it all out, all my frustration, anger, sadness, everything I let it out on her. She saw my highs my lows, and everything in between. And it helped. The hurt started to go away. I'm not saying it will happen over night, but there is a chance to change, to make things better. You say you've hit rock bottom, well there's no where to go but up now, right? So brush yourself off and try to love yourself, because you are worth it. You've been through so much and probably have so much to offer that it would be a shame to let it go to waste. You deserve better than that.
 
 I'm also sending you a PM with info to contact me if you ever need me.
 Lots of Love and Hugs,
 Beth

KibblesSezHi · Feb 22, 2011

i know exactly how you feel...i was coughing my @$$ off once and i went to the bathroom in the resteraunt we were in to not bother the people around me, and the lady in the bathroom too (she couldnt see me) thought it was this other lady in there. she said; 'you sound awful. i hope you get better soon'. i cant express in word how much i wanted to come out of the stall, and with a scarily calm face tell her how i wasnt sick, and that i sure as hell wouldnt get better. let me tell you, it can seem so often that there is NOTHING you can do. i think of my dream of traveling with just a backpack around europe, and having 'adventures', like those you read about in books, and crushing despair sets in when i realize 1000 to 1 odds, i wont be able to do that. i can say right now that even though it may be short, its all the better to be living life to the fullest and taking risks (as long as they arent too asinine). the last piece of advice, although it may sound silly and stupid, i suggest you read the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. These books have taught me more than i may even realize just yet about how important it is to fight for life, and the lives of those you hold dear. i hope this helped...if not, i hope you can find atleast a bit of comfort in these words. people with cf, even though it seems like a curse, gain the benefit of being more mature and capable because of all the $hit we have to go through. dont look at it as a bad thing; because in a lot of ways, cf teaches you to be strong.

KibblesSezHi · Feb 22, 2011

i know exactly how you feel...i was coughing my @$$ off once and i went to the bathroom in the resteraunt we were in to not bother the people around me, and the lady in the bathroom too (she couldnt see me) thought it was this other lady in there. she said; 'you sound awful. i hope you get better soon'. i cant express in word how much i wanted to come out of the stall, and with a scarily calm face tell her how i wasnt sick, and that i sure as hell wouldnt get better. let me tell you, it can seem so often that there is NOTHING you can do. i think of my dream of traveling with just a backpack around europe, and having 'adventures', like those you read about in books, and crushing despair sets in when i realize 1000 to 1 odds, i wont be able to do that. i can say right now that even though it may be short, its all the better to be living life to the fullest and taking risks (as long as they arent too asinine). the last piece of advice, although it may sound silly and stupid, i suggest you read the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. These books have taught me more than i may even realize just yet about how important it is to fight for life, and the lives of those you hold dear. i hope this helped...if not, i hope you can find atleast a bit of comfort in these words. people with cf, even though it seems like a curse, gain the benefit of being more mature and capable because of all the $hit we have to go through. dont look at it as a bad thing; because in a lot of ways, cf teaches you to be strong.

rock bottom...

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