WitheredBlackRose
New member
I've had it up to here. I've had CF my entire life; diagnosed at birth. At 16, it's too much. I hate this. I hate my body, I hate my entire life. Not so much the meds and treatments, though those suck, but just knowing that I'm a total FREAK OF NATURE!!! Human beings aren't suppossed to live like this; this is all a mistake. I'm sick of coughing and people asking if I'm okay when I just want them to shut the **** up. They'll never know; they'll always be ignorant. I hate knowing that I'm nothing but a walking mucus bag, nothing but a file on a shelf in a hospital. I'm gonna die at 36, if not sooner, and this life is totally WORTHLESS. Like I'm just a waste of space, a waste of breath (pun not intended), a waste of LIFE. This isn't life; there's no purpose, no real future. I know I don't have a future; when the present consists only of hospitals and meds and treatments and shame, how can there be a FUTURE?? I feel so detatched from my family and friends, like I don't really belong with them. I can't go on like this, I hate myself too much and I have the cuts on my wrist to prove it; as if bleeding will convince me I'm alive. I want to believe that I'm not alone but I can't. I want to believe there is "hope," whatever that may mean, but I know there isn't. Life shouldn't be about worrying about your freakish body and meds; it should be about LIVING. And with CF, I'm not living. I'm dying. I'm just coughing and cutting and crying and dying and I just want it all to be OVER. Be reborn in a body that's actually HUMAN and forget about all this. Aaahhhhh, help me!!! I know you all are thinking that I'm just wining and I should get over it, and maybe you're right. But I can't, I'm too ashamed; I've hit rock bottom and it's all my body's fault. It's all CF'S FAULT!!!!