Second Child??

[jessykt]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anomie</b></i> jsjohnson: Is a lifetime of recurrent lung infections which eventually lead to an early death really the gift of life that you want to give to someone. Your unborn child doesn't have the ability to decide if they would want this life for themself. So please reconsider having more biological children if you and your spouse are carriers of the cystic fibrosis gene and instead choose to adopt a sick child who doesn't have loving parents to care for them. Help to ease suffering in the world as opposed to creating it.</end quote>

Honestly, I think you feel guilty about your daughter having cf. That's understandable, and it's common for parents who have a child with a genetic illness. But if everyone took Human Development and learned about how many things can go wrong during pregnancy and development, no one would be here!
And yes, your child doesn't ask to be born with cf, but as musclemania put it much more eloquently, we ALL suffer from something. Some may suffer in ways we think are unimaginable and some we wonder why they even think they are suffering.
Believe me, I've have my moments of depression because I live with cf, but there are many, many more people who suffer much worse.

I do hope, though, that you aren't expressing these opinions openly in front of your daughter. You WILL take away her hope and her dreams, her plans. They used to automatically give us all a death sentence; they told my parents I wouldn't live to be a teenager. And guess what? I didn't strive toward any kind of greatness, expecting to die, because they told me that. If she doesn't hear directly how candid you are in your feelings about cf, it will show in your attitude and your actions with her-kids ARE intuitive and smart. If you think she has nothing but a death sentence and you aren't shy about that, that's exactly what it will be.

 

[jessykt]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anomie</b></i> jsjohnson: Is a lifetime of recurrent lung infections which eventually lead to an early death really the gift of life that you want to give to someone. Your unborn child doesn't have the ability to decide if they would want this life for themself. So please reconsider having more biological children if you and your spouse are carriers of the cystic fibrosis gene and instead choose to adopt a sick child who doesn't have loving parents to care for them. Help to ease suffering in the world as opposed to creating it.</end quote>

Honestly, I think you feel guilty about your daughter having cf. That's understandable, and it's common for parents who have a child with a genetic illness. But if everyone took Human Development and learned about how many things can go wrong during pregnancy and development, no one would be here!
And yes, your child doesn't ask to be born with cf, but as musclemania put it much more eloquently, we ALL suffer from something. Some may suffer in ways we think are unimaginable and some we wonder why they even think they are suffering.
Believe me, I've have my moments of depression because I live with cf, but there are many, many more people who suffer much worse.

I do hope, though, that you aren't expressing these opinions openly in front of your daughter. You WILL take away her hope and her dreams, her plans. They used to automatically give us all a death sentence; they told my parents I wouldn't live to be a teenager. And guess what? I didn't strive toward any kind of greatness, expecting to die, because they told me that. If she doesn't hear directly how candid you are in your feelings about cf, it will show in your attitude and your actions with her-kids ARE intuitive and smart. If you think she has nothing but a death sentence and you aren't shy about that, that's exactly what it will be.

 

[CDavis]

This is a huge decision, my husband and I made it also. Our first child has CF and it took a long time, a lot of research and lots of prayer and faith but we now have a second child also. I thank God he doesn't have CF but if he did have CF we would not love him less. If he had CF he would still increase the joy of our family just as much. And if he had CF it would not mean his entire life would be pain and cruel suffering.

As for the view of your 2nd child bringing disease into the world of your first and destroying their health. Are you going to keep your first child in a bubble? Or are you going to promote a very normal lifestyle of going to school having friends come over and going to friends houses? What about large public events, sports, museums, playgrounds, movies? A perspective that helped my husband was talking to CF parents have more than one child. If there is a "CF parents night" go to it, find out who has more than one.

This shouldn't be a news flash for anyone but EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. Everyone suffers. Everyone dies. Any persons child could be diagnosed with anyone of a large number of different terminal diseases CF, Muscular Dystrophy, Cancer, Down Syndrome, .... Cf is a disease, it's not great and it's not easy but it's not the worst. And it's a disease we are able to do SO much for. The list goes on. To live your entire life ruled by fear would be to not live at all.

This is not cut and dry right or wrong. The decision is very personal and should be mutual between you and your husband. Of course there are all sorts of points of view to consider and I agree with SO Many of the posts above about what has to be considered. If you are a responsible loving parent, (how could you be on this site with this question if you were not?) you will think and think and over think every perspective.

By the way, the director of the CFF came out last year and said that a child born today with CF should not die of CF. (no that's not a guarantee and there are worst case scenarios, you could also die in a car crash tomorrow or just get struck by lightning) It is not greedy or selfish to decide to sacrifice more of your time, money and ability and give your heart to another child. It's a noble and wonderful desire. Good luck in your decision. I'll pray that you will be guided by the Lord and given peace.

 

[CDavis]

This is a huge decision, my husband and I made it also. Our first child has CF and it took a long time, a lot of research and lots of prayer and faith but we now have a second child also. I thank God he doesn't have CF but if he did have CF we would not love him less. If he had CF he would still increase the joy of our family just as much. And if he had CF it would not mean his entire life would be pain and cruel suffering.

As for the view of your 2nd child bringing disease into the world of your first and destroying their health. Are you going to keep your first child in a bubble? Or are you going to promote a very normal lifestyle of going to school having friends come over and going to friends houses? What about large public events, sports, museums, playgrounds, movies? A perspective that helped my husband was talking to CF parents have more than one child. If there is a "CF parents night" go to it, find out who has more than one.

This shouldn't be a news flash for anyone but EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. Everyone suffers. Everyone dies. Any persons child could be diagnosed with anyone of a large number of different terminal diseases CF, Muscular Dystrophy, Cancer, Down Syndrome, .... Cf is a disease, it's not great and it's not easy but it's not the worst. And it's a disease we are able to do SO much for. The list goes on. To live your entire life ruled by fear would be to not live at all.

This is not cut and dry right or wrong. The decision is very personal and should be mutual between you and your husband. Of course there are all sorts of points of view to consider and I agree with SO Many of the posts above about what has to be considered. If you are a responsible loving parent, (how could you be on this site with this question if you were not?) you will think and think and over think every perspective.

By the way, the director of the CFF came out last year and said that a child born today with CF should not die of CF. (no that's not a guarantee and there are worst case scenarios, you could also die in a car crash tomorrow or just get struck by lightning) It is not greedy or selfish to decide to sacrifice more of your time, money and ability and give your heart to another child. It's a noble and wonderful desire. Good luck in your decision. I'll pray that you will be guided by the Lord and given peace.

 

[hmw]

I love my children more than words could ever say. However, if I found out that one of my kids had cf before our childbearing days were over and we decided not to have another child- it would in NO WAY have been like telling the child with cf that he/she was inferior, substandard and not worth being here!!! It's not necessary to deliberately have another child, to deliberately 'choose' cf as it were, to validate the life of our existing child with cf (or any health condition, for that matter.)

I personally don't like the 'God wont give me more than I can handle' thing in this argument, because God did NOT give my child cystic fibrosis. Biological imperfection resulting in a genetic mutation in mine and my husbands cftr gene gave my daughter cystic fibrosis. My faith comes into play when it comes to how I cope with the challenges that come with living with the impact the disease has my child and by extension, the family.

However, for those that do ascribe to this argument of 'God won't give me more than I can handle', I always find it interesting that it's never considered as a possibility for pointing you towards the choice you may not 'want'. Maybe having that baby is NOT the right choice- as is the case for many who want kids but for whom it's just not a great idea. If you have faith that God will support you as you endure life's challenges, why wouldn't He help you in dealing with that one? Accepting what may be a difficult choice is something we all have to do in our adult lives for the greater good sometimes, and faith can't be pulled out only for the outcomes we 'like'. It can get us through the ones we don't like, too.

It's a choice that honestly, every family has to make for themselves. What is right for me may not be right for you or the next family. What tends to upset me on these threads the most are the ones that are passionate about building their families but have yet to see the more intimidating sides of the disease and worse, don't seem to think they will. DON'T, PLEASE DON'T, go into it blind. You will be doing a huge disservice to your child(ren) later. And I don't say that implying everyone or anyone in particular feels that way but as someone who has kids with impaired health now but who were quite healthy for a long time- I know it can happen.

And of course no one that is already here- or very few people anyway- is going to wish they never had a life. We are talking apples and oranges to contemplate NOT having a certain child at all vs. quality of life for someone already here.

 

[hmw]

I love my children more than words could ever say. However, if I found out that one of my kids had cf before our childbearing days were over and we decided not to have another child- it would in NO WAY have been like telling the child with cf that he/she was inferior, substandard and not worth being here!!! It's not necessary to deliberately have another child, to deliberately 'choose' cf as it were, to validate the life of our existing child with cf (or any health condition, for that matter.)

I personally don't like the 'God wont give me more than I can handle' thing in this argument, because God did NOT give my child cystic fibrosis. Biological imperfection resulting in a genetic mutation in mine and my husbands cftr gene gave my daughter cystic fibrosis. My faith comes into play when it comes to how I cope with the challenges that come with living with the impact the disease has my child and by extension, the family.

However, for those that do ascribe to this argument of 'God won't give me more than I can handle', I always find it interesting that it's never considered as a possibility for pointing you towards the choice you may not 'want'. Maybe having that baby is NOT the right choice- as is the case for many who want kids but for whom it's just not a great idea. If you have faith that God will support you as you endure life's challenges, why wouldn't He help you in dealing with that one? Accepting what may be a difficult choice is something we all have to do in our adult lives for the greater good sometimes, and faith can't be pulled out only for the outcomes we 'like'. It can get us through the ones we don't like, too.

It's a choice that honestly, every family has to make for themselves. What is right for me may not be right for you or the next family. What tends to upset me on these threads the most are the ones that are passionate about building their families but have yet to see the more intimidating sides of the disease and worse, don't seem to think they will. DON'T, PLEASE DON'T, go into it blind. You will be doing a huge disservice to your child(ren) later. And I don't say that implying everyone or anyone in particular feels that way but as someone who has kids with impaired health now but who were quite healthy for a long time- I know it can happen.

And of course no one that is already here- or very few people anyway- is going to wish they never had a life. We are talking apples and oranges to contemplate NOT having a certain child at all vs. quality of life for someone already here.

 

[Anomie]

jessykt:

Do I feel guilty about having a child born with cystic fibrosis?
Guilty enough not to have a second one.

Do I wish that my daughter had never been born?
Thats a tough question to answer but I would say probably not. She brings alot of joy into my life.

Do I discuss the mortality factor of her disease with her?
No. She's only four and we haven't told her yet that she has a shortened life expectancy.

Has she already figured out that her disease is fatal?
Some things she says makes me think yes.

Despite the reality of her disease that she is having to come to terms with, she is a very happy, sweet, helpful little girl that has a wonderful disposition in life and cracks me up on a daily basis. I don't think that cf is just a death sentence and I also don't believe that people with cf have lives not worth living. I'm sure that alot of people with cf out there have alot better life than I do and I'm perfectly healthy. Of course there are risks with every pregnancy but those risks are comparably much smaller than the risk of two cf carriers giving birth to a child with cystic fibrosis. Abortion is just a more humane option than letting a child with a fatal disease be born into the world. If you and your spouse are carriers of cf and you're not willing to consider prenatal screening, then your decision to risk bringing an unhealthy pregnancy to term is just immoral.

 

[Anomie]

jessykt:

Do I feel guilty about having a child born with cystic fibrosis?
Guilty enough not to have a second one.

Do I wish that my daughter had never been born?
Thats a tough question to answer but I would say probably not. She brings alot of joy into my life.

Do I discuss the mortality factor of her disease with her?
No. She's only four and we haven't told her yet that she has a shortened life expectancy.

Has she already figured out that her disease is fatal?
Some things she says makes me think yes.

Despite the reality of her disease that she is having to come to terms with, she is a very happy, sweet, helpful little girl that has a wonderful disposition in life and cracks me up on a daily basis. I don't think that cf is just a death sentence and I also don't believe that people with cf have lives not worth living. I'm sure that alot of people with cf out there have alot better life than I do and I'm perfectly healthy. Of course there are risks with every pregnancy but those risks are comparably much smaller than the risk of two cf carriers giving birth to a child with cystic fibrosis. Abortion is just a more humane option than letting a child with a fatal disease be born into the world. If you and your spouse are carriers of cf and you're not willing to consider prenatal screening, then your decision to risk bringing an unhealthy pregnancy to term is just immoral.

 

[hmw]

Jessykt- I know I feel guilty about the genetics I've passed on to my kids. CF yes, but a couple of them also deal with another major hereditary condition that clearly comes from my side of the family. That guilt is a hard thing to live with at times, even though I am aware of the fact that my parent/s had no more choice about passing the genes on to me than I did about what I passed on to them.

I agree it's VITAL to be careful in the attitudes we convey to our children, and that even subtleties not expressed verbally will be passed on. Kids are smart and observant, right from the time they are babies.

 

[hmw]

Jessykt- I know I feel guilty about the genetics I've passed on to my kids. CF yes, but a couple of them also deal with another major hereditary condition that clearly comes from my side of the family. That guilt is a hard thing to live with at times, even though I am aware of the fact that my parent/s had no more choice about passing the genes on to me than I did about what I passed on to them.

I agree it's VITAL to be careful in the attitudes we convey to our children, and that even subtleties not expressed verbally will be passed on. Kids are smart and observant, right from the time they are babies.

 

[Caro46]

I agree with Anomie on this one. Though I would love a second child, it wouldn't be fair to knowingly bring a child with CF into the world. Anna is still young, I do not yet have first-hand experience or what she might have to endure in the future, but I know enough to know that it could be harsh. I know that emotionally I can handle it, because when you love someone, you have no option. You're compelled to deal with it. (Finances might be another story!!)
I understand that having CF does not mean that you do not value life. I understand that life with CF can be awesome, depending on your state of mind and the way you deal with it, but as a parent without CF, and knowing what I know, I do feel that the risk is too much, and thus I feel it is my responsibility to not have a second child. If I could afford some genetic engineering and if it were offered in this country <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I might consider it. I might consider adoption at a later point. But for now, it's just Anna. And she's more than enough for me!

 

[Caro46]

I agree with Anomie on this one. Though I would love a second child, it wouldn't be fair to knowingly bring a child with CF into the world. Anna is still young, I do not yet have first-hand experience or what she might have to endure in the future, but I know enough to know that it could be harsh. I know that emotionally I can handle it, because when you love someone, you have no option. You're compelled to deal with it. (Finances might be another story!!)
I understand that having CF does not mean that you do not value life. I understand that life with CF can be awesome, depending on your state of mind and the way you deal with it, but as a parent without CF, and knowing what I know, I do feel that the risk is too much, and thus I feel it is my responsibility to not have a second child. If I could afford some genetic engineering and if it were offered in this country <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0"> I might consider it. I might consider adoption at a later point. But for now, it's just Anna. And she's more than enough for me!

 

[sweetnadias]

hello all

 

[sweetnadias]

hello all

 

[sweetnadias]

Hi this is nini my first daughter has CF508 I wanted to have a second child my husband also wanted a big family but he didn't wanted to take the risk so he left me and our daughter and did second marriage and now me and my daughter are living alone.And seeing tough times all alone.

 

[sweetnadias]

Hi this is nini my first daughter has CF508 I wanted to have a second child my husband also wanted a big family but he didn't wanted to take the risk so he left me and our daughter and did second marriage and now me and my daughter are living alone.And seeing tough times all alone.

 

[mneville]

There is NO way we would take the chance. We used IVF/PGD to have our 4 year old and are expecting a healthy girl in 5 weeks with this amazing technology. Megan

 

[mneville]

There is NO way we would take the chance. We used IVF/PGD to have our 4 year old and are expecting a healthy girl in 5 weeks with this amazing technology. Megan

 

[mamaScarlett]

It is possible to face Cf head on, be honest, fight every day, and believe to your core being that you will be around here a long time.

 

[mamaScarlett]

It is possible to face Cf head on, be honest, fight every day, and believe to your core being that you will be around here a long time.