Help/advice?

A

AnD

New member
I think that the biggest thing people need to think about when getting married is that love is a commitment, not a feeling. The whole "for better, for worse" thing is the most important part. The plus you two have on your side now, is the reality of knowing that "the worst" is not some intangible thing that may or may not happen. It is here. And it can happen to anyone (car wrecks, cancer, ms, etc.)- you (and she) just have a heads up on <i>this </i>one.

If she can commit to you, having a good idea (at least in her head <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) all that may/will come your cf, and still is wanting to spend her life with you, then I say go for it. Only she knows what she can handle, and what she is willing to handle. My dh did tell me that he had to reconcile within himself the knowledge that he may be a young widower (along with everything else beforehand) and may end up a single parent if he married me- he was up to it, and we have been happily (for the most part-lol<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) married 15 years with one 3 year old child. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
A

AnD

New member
I think that the biggest thing people need to think about when getting married is that love is a commitment, not a feeling. The whole "for better, for worse" thing is the most important part. The plus you two have on your side now, is the reality of knowing that "the worst" is not some intangible thing that may or may not happen. It is here. And it can happen to anyone (car wrecks, cancer, ms, etc.)- you (and she) just have a heads up on <i>this </i>one.

If she can commit to you, having a good idea (at least in her head <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) all that may/will come your cf, and still is wanting to spend her life with you, then I say go for it. Only she knows what she can handle, and what she is willing to handle. My dh did tell me that he had to reconcile within himself the knowledge that he may be a young widower (along with everything else beforehand) and may end up a single parent if he married me- he was up to it, and we have been happily (for the most part-lol<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) married 15 years with one 3 year old child. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
A

AnD

New member
I think that the biggest thing people need to think about when getting married is that love is a commitment, not a feeling. The whole "for better, for worse" thing is the most important part. The plus you two have on your side now, is the reality of knowing that "the worst" is not some intangible thing that may or may not happen. It is here. And it can happen to anyone (car wrecks, cancer, ms, etc.)- you (and she) just have a heads up on <i>this </i>one.

If she can commit to you, having a good idea (at least in her head <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) all that may/will come your cf, and still is wanting to spend her life with you, then I say go for it. Only she knows what she can handle, and what she is willing to handle. My dh did tell me that he had to reconcile within himself the knowledge that he may be a young widower (along with everything else beforehand) and may end up a single parent if he married me- he was up to it, and we have been happily (for the most part-lol<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) married 15 years with one 3 year old child. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
A

AnD

New member
I think that the biggest thing people need to think about when getting married is that love is a commitment, not a feeling. The whole "for better, for worse" thing is the most important part. The plus you two have on your side now, is the reality of knowing that "the worst" is not some intangible thing that may or may not happen. It is here. And it can happen to anyone (car wrecks, cancer, ms, etc.)- you (and she) just have a heads up on <i>this </i>one.

If she can commit to you, having a good idea (at least in her head <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) all that may/will come your cf, and still is wanting to spend her life with you, then I say go for it. Only she knows what she can handle, and what she is willing to handle. My dh did tell me that he had to reconcile within himself the knowledge that he may be a young widower (along with everything else beforehand) and may end up a single parent if he married me- he was up to it, and we have been happily (for the most part-lol<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) married 15 years with one 3 year old child. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
A

AnD

New member
I think that the biggest thing people need to think about when getting married is that love is a commitment, not a feeling. The whole "for better, for worse" thing is the most important part. The plus you two have on your side now, is the reality of knowing that "the worst" is not some intangible thing that may or may not happen. It is here. And it can happen to anyone (car wrecks, cancer, ms, etc.)- you (and she) just have a heads up on <i>this </i>one.

If she can commit to you, having a good idea (at least in her head <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) all that may/will come your cf, and still is wanting to spend her life with you, then I say go for it. Only she knows what she can handle, and what she is willing to handle. My dh did tell me that he had to reconcile within himself the knowledge that he may be a young widower (along with everything else beforehand) and may end up a single parent if he married me- he was up to it, and we have been happily (for the most part-lol<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) married 15 years with one 3 year old child. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
A

AnD

New member
I think that the biggest thing people need to think about when getting married is that love is a commitment, not a feeling. The whole "for better, for worse" thing is the most important part. The plus you two have on your side now, is the reality of knowing that "the worst" is not some intangible thing that may or may not happen. It is here. And it can happen to anyone (car wrecks, cancer, ms, etc.)- you (and she) just have a heads up on <i>this </i>one.

If she can commit to you, having a good idea (at least in her head <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) all that may/will come your cf, and still is wanting to spend her life with you, then I say go for it. Only she knows what she can handle, and what she is willing to handle. My dh did tell me that he had to reconcile within himself the knowledge that he may be a young widower (along with everything else beforehand) and may end up a single parent if he married me- he was up to it, and we have been happily (for the most part-lol<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> ) married 15 years with one 3 year old child. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
H

hopesiris

Guest
I have been married for a little over a year and I was recently diagnosed. I told my husband I feel bad that he married me, I'm now pregnant and we didn't know I have CF. He told me that he chose to spend his life with me and he wants me to be the mother of his children. It was tender and overwhelming to be loved like that. I understand how he feels. You see, my husband has a rare disease that once made him very ill. We just don't know if it will return. I knew this before I married him and while the though of losing him scared me, it did not stop me from wanting to spend my life with him for however long we have together.

Follow your heart and accept her love if she offers it to you. She gets to decide what she wants. There may be some financial/healthcare problems that can be avoided if you do not marry legally so you may want think about that. I think there is a recent post in the "partners" forum about marriage and some of the responses the poster got were very informative.

I think having a child is only a good idea if there is reason enough to believe that you will be able to be at least partly active in the child's life and live to see her/him reach young adulthood. If you two decide to have biological children together, be *sure* that the Ambry amplified CF testing is done on her before she becomes pregnant. There are variants in addition to mild mutations that if combined with a severe CF mutation can produce mild CF. I do not feel it is fair to knowingly pass this disease on, even in the mildest form.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to send me a private message. I'm thinking about a lot of the same issues as you are right now and I am finding it hard to plan for my future when there is such a wide range of possibilities in health status and longevity.
 
H

hopesiris

Guest
I have been married for a little over a year and I was recently diagnosed. I told my husband I feel bad that he married me, I'm now pregnant and we didn't know I have CF. He told me that he chose to spend his life with me and he wants me to be the mother of his children. It was tender and overwhelming to be loved like that. I understand how he feels. You see, my husband has a rare disease that once made him very ill. We just don't know if it will return. I knew this before I married him and while the though of losing him scared me, it did not stop me from wanting to spend my life with him for however long we have together.

Follow your heart and accept her love if she offers it to you. She gets to decide what she wants. There may be some financial/healthcare problems that can be avoided if you do not marry legally so you may want think about that. I think there is a recent post in the "partners" forum about marriage and some of the responses the poster got were very informative.

I think having a child is only a good idea if there is reason enough to believe that you will be able to be at least partly active in the child's life and live to see her/him reach young adulthood. If you two decide to have biological children together, be *sure* that the Ambry amplified CF testing is done on her before she becomes pregnant. There are variants in addition to mild mutations that if combined with a severe CF mutation can produce mild CF. I do not feel it is fair to knowingly pass this disease on, even in the mildest form.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to send me a private message. I'm thinking about a lot of the same issues as you are right now and I am finding it hard to plan for my future when there is such a wide range of possibilities in health status and longevity.
 
H

hopesiris

Guest
I have been married for a little over a year and I was recently diagnosed. I told my husband I feel bad that he married me, I'm now pregnant and we didn't know I have CF. He told me that he chose to spend his life with me and he wants me to be the mother of his children. It was tender and overwhelming to be loved like that. I understand how he feels. You see, my husband has a rare disease that once made him very ill. We just don't know if it will return. I knew this before I married him and while the though of losing him scared me, it did not stop me from wanting to spend my life with him for however long we have together.

Follow your heart and accept her love if she offers it to you. She gets to decide what she wants. There may be some financial/healthcare problems that can be avoided if you do not marry legally so you may want think about that. I think there is a recent post in the "partners" forum about marriage and some of the responses the poster got were very informative.

I think having a child is only a good idea if there is reason enough to believe that you will be able to be at least partly active in the child's life and live to see her/him reach young adulthood. If you two decide to have biological children together, be *sure* that the Ambry amplified CF testing is done on her before she becomes pregnant. There are variants in addition to mild mutations that if combined with a severe CF mutation can produce mild CF. I do not feel it is fair to knowingly pass this disease on, even in the mildest form.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to send me a private message. I'm thinking about a lot of the same issues as you are right now and I am finding it hard to plan for my future when there is such a wide range of possibilities in health status and longevity.
 
H

hopesiris

Guest
I have been married for a little over a year and I was recently diagnosed. I told my husband I feel bad that he married me, I'm now pregnant and we didn't know I have CF. He told me that he chose to spend his life with me and he wants me to be the mother of his children. It was tender and overwhelming to be loved like that. I understand how he feels. You see, my husband has a rare disease that once made him very ill. We just don't know if it will return. I knew this before I married him and while the though of losing him scared me, it did not stop me from wanting to spend my life with him for however long we have together.

Follow your heart and accept her love if she offers it to you. She gets to decide what she wants. There may be some financial/healthcare problems that can be avoided if you do not marry legally so you may want think about that. I think there is a recent post in the "partners" forum about marriage and some of the responses the poster got were very informative.

I think having a child is only a good idea if there is reason enough to believe that you will be able to be at least partly active in the child's life and live to see her/him reach young adulthood. If you two decide to have biological children together, be *sure* that the Ambry amplified CF testing is done on her before she becomes pregnant. There are variants in addition to mild mutations that if combined with a severe CF mutation can produce mild CF. I do not feel it is fair to knowingly pass this disease on, even in the mildest form.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to send me a private message. I'm thinking about a lot of the same issues as you are right now and I am finding it hard to plan for my future when there is such a wide range of possibilities in health status and longevity.
 
H

hopesiris

Guest
I have been married for a little over a year and I was recently diagnosed. I told my husband I feel bad that he married me, I'm now pregnant and we didn't know I have CF. He told me that he chose to spend his life with me and he wants me to be the mother of his children. It was tender and overwhelming to be loved like that. I understand how he feels. You see, my husband has a rare disease that once made him very ill. We just don't know if it will return. I knew this before I married him and while the though of losing him scared me, it did not stop me from wanting to spend my life with him for however long we have together.

Follow your heart and accept her love if she offers it to you. She gets to decide what she wants. There may be some financial/healthcare problems that can be avoided if you do not marry legally so you may want think about that. I think there is a recent post in the "partners" forum about marriage and some of the responses the poster got were very informative.

I think having a child is only a good idea if there is reason enough to believe that you will be able to be at least partly active in the child's life and live to see her/him reach young adulthood. If you two decide to have biological children together, be *sure* that the Ambry amplified CF testing is done on her before she becomes pregnant. There are variants in addition to mild mutations that if combined with a severe CF mutation can produce mild CF. I do not feel it is fair to knowingly pass this disease on, even in the mildest form.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to send me a private message. I'm thinking about a lot of the same issues as you are right now and I am finding it hard to plan for my future when there is such a wide range of possibilities in health status and longevity.
 
H

hopesiris

Guest
I have been married for a little over a year and I was recently diagnosed. I told my husband I feel bad that he married me, I'm now pregnant and we didn't know I have CF. He told me that he chose to spend his life with me and he wants me to be the mother of his children. It was tender and overwhelming to be loved like that. I understand how he feels. You see, my husband has a rare disease that once made him very ill. We just don't know if it will return. I knew this before I married him and while the though of losing him scared me, it did not stop me from wanting to spend my life with him for however long we have together.

Follow your heart and accept her love if she offers it to you. She gets to decide what she wants. There may be some financial/healthcare problems that can be avoided if you do not marry legally so you may want think about that. I think there is a recent post in the "partners" forum about marriage and some of the responses the poster got were very informative.

I think having a child is only a good idea if there is reason enough to believe that you will be able to be at least partly active in the child's life and live to see her/him reach young adulthood. If you two decide to have biological children together, be *sure* that the Ambry amplified CF testing is done on her before she becomes pregnant. There are variants in addition to mild mutations that if combined with a severe CF mutation can produce mild CF. I do not feel it is fair to knowingly pass this disease on, even in the mildest form.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to send me a private message. I'm thinking about a lot of the same issues as you are right now and I am finding it hard to plan for my future when there is such a wide range of possibilities in health status and longevity.
 
A

Allie

New member
I had to answer this.

There's nothing wrong with adoption, so don't feel like because of that, you have to give her up. My daughter is adopted, and she's my daughter, the same as if she'd baked in my oven.

And as long as you are honest with her, and she knows the details, and still wants to be with you, it should be her choice. My husband tried to get me to leave when he started getting really sick, and I can STILL remember how angry I was. Don't throw yourself on a grenade if she wants to be there.
 
A

Allie

New member
I had to answer this.

There's nothing wrong with adoption, so don't feel like because of that, you have to give her up. My daughter is adopted, and she's my daughter, the same as if she'd baked in my oven.

And as long as you are honest with her, and she knows the details, and still wants to be with you, it should be her choice. My husband tried to get me to leave when he started getting really sick, and I can STILL remember how angry I was. Don't throw yourself on a grenade if she wants to be there.
 
A

Allie

New member
I had to answer this.

There's nothing wrong with adoption, so don't feel like because of that, you have to give her up. My daughter is adopted, and she's my daughter, the same as if she'd baked in my oven.

And as long as you are honest with her, and she knows the details, and still wants to be with you, it should be her choice. My husband tried to get me to leave when he started getting really sick, and I can STILL remember how angry I was. Don't throw yourself on a grenade if she wants to be there.
 
A

Allie

New member
I had to answer this.

There's nothing wrong with adoption, so don't feel like because of that, you have to give her up. My daughter is adopted, and she's my daughter, the same as if she'd baked in my oven.

And as long as you are honest with her, and she knows the details, and still wants to be with you, it should be her choice. My husband tried to get me to leave when he started getting really sick, and I can STILL remember how angry I was. Don't throw yourself on a grenade if she wants to be there.
 
A

Allie

New member
I had to answer this.

There's nothing wrong with adoption, so don't feel like because of that, you have to give her up. My daughter is adopted, and she's my daughter, the same as if she'd baked in my oven.

And as long as you are honest with her, and she knows the details, and still wants to be with you, it should be her choice. My husband tried to get me to leave when he started getting really sick, and I can STILL remember how angry I was. Don't throw yourself on a grenade if she wants to be there.
 
A

Allie

New member
I had to answer this.

There's nothing wrong with adoption, so don't feel like because of that, you have to give her up. My daughter is adopted, and she's my daughter, the same as if she'd baked in my oven.

And as long as you are honest with her, and she knows the details, and still wants to be with you, it should be her choice. My husband tried to get me to leave when he started getting really sick, and I can STILL remember how angry I was. Don't throw yourself on a grenade if she wants to be there.
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Welcome to the forum!
I agree with what Allie and Jazzysmom said, but I'm in disagreement with what sakasuka says about children.

I don't see it as a selfish thing if the woman loves you enough to want an offspring from you, despite a CF'rs unknown lifespan. If the conception problem and single parenting situation is basically all understood and figured out, I don't see where selfishness comes into play. Besides, whether the child is adopted, from a doner, or from the CF'r, either way, having a child would still mean making plans for a single parent in the future...advice I will be heeding when my wife asks me again about tests and such!

Good luck with how things go, I know it's a touchy subject among future couples, but something to "hash-out" before marriage.

BTW, an added point, I'm sure the woman in question wants a child because she loves you, not because she wants "cute babies", right?! That's where I don't see it as "selfish".
Reason why I bring this one up is because that's the train of thought my ex had--she only wanted "cute babies" and having any love for me was not in the formula!! I see that as not only "selfish", but just a hint as to how short the marriage life will be (based on experience, of course).
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Welcome to the forum!
I agree with what Allie and Jazzysmom said, but I'm in disagreement with what sakasuka says about children.

I don't see it as a selfish thing if the woman loves you enough to want an offspring from you, despite a CF'rs unknown lifespan. If the conception problem and single parenting situation is basically all understood and figured out, I don't see where selfishness comes into play. Besides, whether the child is adopted, from a doner, or from the CF'r, either way, having a child would still mean making plans for a single parent in the future...advice I will be heeding when my wife asks me again about tests and such!

Good luck with how things go, I know it's a touchy subject among future couples, but something to "hash-out" before marriage.

BTW, an added point, I'm sure the woman in question wants a child because she loves you, not because she wants "cute babies", right?! That's where I don't see it as "selfish".
Reason why I bring this one up is because that's the train of thought my ex had--she only wanted "cute babies" and having any love for me was not in the formula!! I see that as not only "selfish", but just a hint as to how short the marriage life will be (based on experience, of course).
 
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