Need some marrital advice

J

jodijp

New member
Awww Jessi, so sorry you are having problems. I don't know a lot about your situation, but based on what you have said here, this is my observation.

Marriage is tough even in the best of situations, especially the first year. Throw in 2 life threatening diseases from both of you, depression, and denial - that is a recipe for some serious stress that needs attention to help heal.

Your marriage appears to have had a complete communication breakdown. Sex is just another form of communication in a marriage to show love. It sounds like either your husband has never learned how to relate to a woman or his depression has stopped any communication he is capable of - sex included. Either way, you both need some professional help to work out your problems or I can just about guarantee your marriage will fail.

It takes 2 people, 100% together as a team to make a marriage but only one to break it up.

Good luck to you. I hope your appt with the counselor sheds some light on steps you both need to take to make things better.

( ( ( Hugs to you ) ) )
 
J

jodijp

New member
Awww Jessi, so sorry you are having problems. I don't know a lot about your situation, but based on what you have said here, this is my observation.

Marriage is tough even in the best of situations, especially the first year. Throw in 2 life threatening diseases from both of you, depression, and denial - that is a recipe for some serious stress that needs attention to help heal.

Your marriage appears to have had a complete communication breakdown. Sex is just another form of communication in a marriage to show love. It sounds like either your husband has never learned how to relate to a woman or his depression has stopped any communication he is capable of - sex included. Either way, you both need some professional help to work out your problems or I can just about guarantee your marriage will fail.

It takes 2 people, 100% together as a team to make a marriage but only one to break it up.

Good luck to you. I hope your appt with the counselor sheds some light on steps you both need to take to make things better.

( ( ( Hugs to you ) ) )
 
J

jodijp

New member
Awww Jessi, so sorry you are having problems. I don't know a lot about your situation, but based on what you have said here, this is my observation.

Marriage is tough even in the best of situations, especially the first year. Throw in 2 life threatening diseases from both of you, depression, and denial - that is a recipe for some serious stress that needs attention to help heal.

Your marriage appears to have had a complete communication breakdown. Sex is just another form of communication in a marriage to show love. It sounds like either your husband has never learned how to relate to a woman or his depression has stopped any communication he is capable of - sex included. Either way, you both need some professional help to work out your problems or I can just about guarantee your marriage will fail.

It takes 2 people, 100% together as a team to make a marriage but only one to break it up.

Good luck to you. I hope your appt with the counselor sheds some light on steps you both need to take to make things better.

( ( ( Hugs to you ) ) )
 
J

jodijp

New member
Awww Jessi, so sorry you are having problems. I don't know a lot about your situation, but based on what you have said here, this is my observation.

Marriage is tough even in the best of situations, especially the first year. Throw in 2 life threatening diseases from both of you, depression, and denial - that is a recipe for some serious stress that needs attention to help heal.

Your marriage appears to have had a complete communication breakdown. Sex is just another form of communication in a marriage to show love. It sounds like either your husband has never learned how to relate to a woman or his depression has stopped any communication he is capable of - sex included. Either way, you both need some professional help to work out your problems or I can just about guarantee your marriage will fail.

It takes 2 people, 100% together as a team to make a marriage but only one to break it up.

Good luck to you. I hope your appt with the counselor sheds some light on steps you both need to take to make things better.

( ( ( Hugs to you ) ) )
 
J

jodijp

New member
Awww Jessi, so sorry you are having problems. I don't know a lot about your situation, but based on what you have said here, this is my observation.

Marriage is tough even in the best of situations, especially the first year. Throw in 2 life threatening diseases from both of you, depression, and denial - that is a recipe for some serious stress that needs attention to help heal.

Your marriage appears to have had a complete communication breakdown. Sex is just another form of communication in a marriage to show love. It sounds like either your husband has never learned how to relate to a woman or his depression has stopped any communication he is capable of - sex included. Either way, you both need some professional help to work out your problems or I can just about guarantee your marriage will fail.

It takes 2 people, 100% together as a team to make a marriage but only one to break it up.

Good luck to you. I hope your appt with the counselor sheds some light on steps you both need to take to make things better.

( ( ( Hugs to you ) ) )
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Hi Jess,
I just felt the desire to express my observation, based on my personal experience.

If the two of you expressed to each other that you still love each other, then I believe that is the start in saving the marriage.

I understand the two of you have a certain degree of depression you are dealing with, which I'm sure can complicate things even further, but the biggest problems I see here is the fact that
1. His focus on his family puts his priority level over you, which shouldn't be tolerated for a married couple. My ex had put me way below the priority level of hers, in which I was so low on her priority level, I think I was just above one of her friend's dogs.
2. His ability to take care of himself questions the fact as to whether he can really take care of you, as well. To have to beg and plead for someone to be compliant with their own healthcare would only apply for children. I could only comprehend that your DH has not found the "awakening" he needs to discover for himself in order to be compliant as an adult would be.
3. As to the reply to your question "...am I crazy for putting up with all this for so long?", I would say that if you don't intend on doing this for the next several wedding anniversaries, then don't put up with it. I spent a very unpleasant eleven year marriage, in which it really could've been enulled when we had major trouble in the beginning (baby trouble). I really think the ex had resented me for the rest of those years, though the problem was not 100% my fault, but it took me 10 years to realize she never takes responsibility for herself, rather she would put the blame on someone else.

I will make this clear, I am not suggesting you ennul your marriage, but rather see these potential problems that are in need of a solution. If the two of you can solve these issues via counseling, then that would be great, too. And, seeing that you are open-minded to everyones input, I'm sure you won't feel hurt by my input.

As for the intimate part, I've had trouble with that area, but a lot of it is "timing", while the other part is dealing with exhaustion from CF, basically. I do spend a lot of time with the wife, and our communication skills are very good (considering I'm speaking in a second language), so I really hope she isn't feeling what you are in the intimacy area.

I do hope with everyone's input, you can find a solution you are willing to live with...good luck.

Fred
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Hi Jess,
I just felt the desire to express my observation, based on my personal experience.

If the two of you expressed to each other that you still love each other, then I believe that is the start in saving the marriage.

I understand the two of you have a certain degree of depression you are dealing with, which I'm sure can complicate things even further, but the biggest problems I see here is the fact that
1. His focus on his family puts his priority level over you, which shouldn't be tolerated for a married couple. My ex had put me way below the priority level of hers, in which I was so low on her priority level, I think I was just above one of her friend's dogs.
2. His ability to take care of himself questions the fact as to whether he can really take care of you, as well. To have to beg and plead for someone to be compliant with their own healthcare would only apply for children. I could only comprehend that your DH has not found the "awakening" he needs to discover for himself in order to be compliant as an adult would be.
3. As to the reply to your question "...am I crazy for putting up with all this for so long?", I would say that if you don't intend on doing this for the next several wedding anniversaries, then don't put up with it. I spent a very unpleasant eleven year marriage, in which it really could've been enulled when we had major trouble in the beginning (baby trouble). I really think the ex had resented me for the rest of those years, though the problem was not 100% my fault, but it took me 10 years to realize she never takes responsibility for herself, rather she would put the blame on someone else.

I will make this clear, I am not suggesting you ennul your marriage, but rather see these potential problems that are in need of a solution. If the two of you can solve these issues via counseling, then that would be great, too. And, seeing that you are open-minded to everyones input, I'm sure you won't feel hurt by my input.

As for the intimate part, I've had trouble with that area, but a lot of it is "timing", while the other part is dealing with exhaustion from CF, basically. I do spend a lot of time with the wife, and our communication skills are very good (considering I'm speaking in a second language), so I really hope she isn't feeling what you are in the intimacy area.

I do hope with everyone's input, you can find a solution you are willing to live with...good luck.

Fred
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Hi Jess,
I just felt the desire to express my observation, based on my personal experience.

If the two of you expressed to each other that you still love each other, then I believe that is the start in saving the marriage.

I understand the two of you have a certain degree of depression you are dealing with, which I'm sure can complicate things even further, but the biggest problems I see here is the fact that
1. His focus on his family puts his priority level over you, which shouldn't be tolerated for a married couple. My ex had put me way below the priority level of hers, in which I was so low on her priority level, I think I was just above one of her friend's dogs.
2. His ability to take care of himself questions the fact as to whether he can really take care of you, as well. To have to beg and plead for someone to be compliant with their own healthcare would only apply for children. I could only comprehend that your DH has not found the "awakening" he needs to discover for himself in order to be compliant as an adult would be.
3. As to the reply to your question "...am I crazy for putting up with all this for so long?", I would say that if you don't intend on doing this for the next several wedding anniversaries, then don't put up with it. I spent a very unpleasant eleven year marriage, in which it really could've been enulled when we had major trouble in the beginning (baby trouble). I really think the ex had resented me for the rest of those years, though the problem was not 100% my fault, but it took me 10 years to realize she never takes responsibility for herself, rather she would put the blame on someone else.

I will make this clear, I am not suggesting you ennul your marriage, but rather see these potential problems that are in need of a solution. If the two of you can solve these issues via counseling, then that would be great, too. And, seeing that you are open-minded to everyones input, I'm sure you won't feel hurt by my input.

As for the intimate part, I've had trouble with that area, but a lot of it is "timing", while the other part is dealing with exhaustion from CF, basically. I do spend a lot of time with the wife, and our communication skills are very good (considering I'm speaking in a second language), so I really hope she isn't feeling what you are in the intimacy area.

I do hope with everyone's input, you can find a solution you are willing to live with...good luck.

Fred
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Hi Jess,
I just felt the desire to express my observation, based on my personal experience.

If the two of you expressed to each other that you still love each other, then I believe that is the start in saving the marriage.

I understand the two of you have a certain degree of depression you are dealing with, which I'm sure can complicate things even further, but the biggest problems I see here is the fact that
1. His focus on his family puts his priority level over you, which shouldn't be tolerated for a married couple. My ex had put me way below the priority level of hers, in which I was so low on her priority level, I think I was just above one of her friend's dogs.
2. His ability to take care of himself questions the fact as to whether he can really take care of you, as well. To have to beg and plead for someone to be compliant with their own healthcare would only apply for children. I could only comprehend that your DH has not found the "awakening" he needs to discover for himself in order to be compliant as an adult would be.
3. As to the reply to your question "...am I crazy for putting up with all this for so long?", I would say that if you don't intend on doing this for the next several wedding anniversaries, then don't put up with it. I spent a very unpleasant eleven year marriage, in which it really could've been enulled when we had major trouble in the beginning (baby trouble). I really think the ex had resented me for the rest of those years, though the problem was not 100% my fault, but it took me 10 years to realize she never takes responsibility for herself, rather she would put the blame on someone else.

I will make this clear, I am not suggesting you ennul your marriage, but rather see these potential problems that are in need of a solution. If the two of you can solve these issues via counseling, then that would be great, too. And, seeing that you are open-minded to everyones input, I'm sure you won't feel hurt by my input.

As for the intimate part, I've had trouble with that area, but a lot of it is "timing", while the other part is dealing with exhaustion from CF, basically. I do spend a lot of time with the wife, and our communication skills are very good (considering I'm speaking in a second language), so I really hope she isn't feeling what you are in the intimacy area.

I do hope with everyone's input, you can find a solution you are willing to live with...good luck.

Fred
 
6

65rosessamurai

Guest
Hi Jess,
I just felt the desire to express my observation, based on my personal experience.

If the two of you expressed to each other that you still love each other, then I believe that is the start in saving the marriage.

I understand the two of you have a certain degree of depression you are dealing with, which I'm sure can complicate things even further, but the biggest problems I see here is the fact that
1. His focus on his family puts his priority level over you, which shouldn't be tolerated for a married couple. My ex had put me way below the priority level of hers, in which I was so low on her priority level, I think I was just above one of her friend's dogs.
2. His ability to take care of himself questions the fact as to whether he can really take care of you, as well. To have to beg and plead for someone to be compliant with their own healthcare would only apply for children. I could only comprehend that your DH has not found the "awakening" he needs to discover for himself in order to be compliant as an adult would be.
3. As to the reply to your question "...am I crazy for putting up with all this for so long?", I would say that if you don't intend on doing this for the next several wedding anniversaries, then don't put up with it. I spent a very unpleasant eleven year marriage, in which it really could've been enulled when we had major trouble in the beginning (baby trouble). I really think the ex had resented me for the rest of those years, though the problem was not 100% my fault, but it took me 10 years to realize she never takes responsibility for herself, rather she would put the blame on someone else.

I will make this clear, I am not suggesting you ennul your marriage, but rather see these potential problems that are in need of a solution. If the two of you can solve these issues via counseling, then that would be great, too. And, seeing that you are open-minded to everyones input, I'm sure you won't feel hurt by my input.

As for the intimate part, I've had trouble with that area, but a lot of it is "timing", while the other part is dealing with exhaustion from CF, basically. I do spend a lot of time with the wife, and our communication skills are very good (considering I'm speaking in a second language), so I really hope she isn't feeling what you are in the intimacy area.

I do hope with everyone's input, you can find a solution you are willing to live with...good luck.

Fred
 
T

thefrogprincess

New member
Thanks Jodi. Someone PM'd me about a disorder called alexithymia that sounds just like Brian. I did some reading on it and the extemely watered down version is that people with this don't understand the difference between different emotions and therefore can't communicate how they feel. They don't know how they feel. This would explain so much about Brian, why he doesn't understand what I mean when I say "this makes me feel ignored/unhappy/unloved" or what have you. And it would also explain why after we have a fight he just goes on acting like everything is perfectly normal. I am definately going to pursue this. I know I cannot diagnose him of course but this could give us a direction to go in.
 
T

thefrogprincess

New member
Thanks Jodi. Someone PM'd me about a disorder called alexithymia that sounds just like Brian. I did some reading on it and the extemely watered down version is that people with this don't understand the difference between different emotions and therefore can't communicate how they feel. They don't know how they feel. This would explain so much about Brian, why he doesn't understand what I mean when I say "this makes me feel ignored/unhappy/unloved" or what have you. And it would also explain why after we have a fight he just goes on acting like everything is perfectly normal. I am definately going to pursue this. I know I cannot diagnose him of course but this could give us a direction to go in.
 
T

thefrogprincess

New member
Thanks Jodi. Someone PM'd me about a disorder called alexithymia that sounds just like Brian. I did some reading on it and the extemely watered down version is that people with this don't understand the difference between different emotions and therefore can't communicate how they feel. They don't know how they feel. This would explain so much about Brian, why he doesn't understand what I mean when I say "this makes me feel ignored/unhappy/unloved" or what have you. And it would also explain why after we have a fight he just goes on acting like everything is perfectly normal. I am definately going to pursue this. I know I cannot diagnose him of course but this could give us a direction to go in.
 
T

thefrogprincess

New member
Thanks Jodi. Someone PM'd me about a disorder called alexithymia that sounds just like Brian. I did some reading on it and the extemely watered down version is that people with this don't understand the difference between different emotions and therefore can't communicate how they feel. They don't know how they feel. This would explain so much about Brian, why he doesn't understand what I mean when I say "this makes me feel ignored/unhappy/unloved" or what have you. And it would also explain why after we have a fight he just goes on acting like everything is perfectly normal. I am definately going to pursue this. I know I cannot diagnose him of course but this could give us a direction to go in.
 
T

thefrogprincess

New member
Thanks Jodi. Someone PM'd me about a disorder called alexithymia that sounds just like Brian. I did some reading on it and the extemely watered down version is that people with this don't understand the difference between different emotions and therefore can't communicate how they feel. They don't know how they feel. This would explain so much about Brian, why he doesn't understand what I mean when I say "this makes me feel ignored/unhappy/unloved" or what have you. And it would also explain why after we have a fight he just goes on acting like everything is perfectly normal. I am definately going to pursue this. I know I cannot diagnose him of course but this could give us a direction to go in.
 
M

mom2lillian

New member
Jessi-the physical aspect is like which came first chicken or egg. Your time together is unhappy which makes being intimate undesirable which makes you mad and angry and hurt and yelling which makes your time together MORE unhappy which makes it less desirable and it just repeats and gets worse each time.

Additionally, I dont knwo if it coincides but he may full realize it is a terrible idea to have a child right now and on the 22Aug you posted you had been off birth control for 4 months so maybe he is trying to prevent a child and doesnt know how to talk about it so it is easier to just avoid the act all together?

If he isnt willing to get individual counseling then you go get individual counseling and get him into couples counseling and then perhaps it will help him see just how mcuh help he needs plus he will see you doing it as a first step and wont feel like it is 'all him' that is in wrong and in need of 'extra help'. Also, needing this extra help and having these problems can be very demeaning to a male ego which could be lowering his sex drive.
 
M

mom2lillian

New member
Jessi-the physical aspect is like which came first chicken or egg. Your time together is unhappy which makes being intimate undesirable which makes you mad and angry and hurt and yelling which makes your time together MORE unhappy which makes it less desirable and it just repeats and gets worse each time.

Additionally, I dont knwo if it coincides but he may full realize it is a terrible idea to have a child right now and on the 22Aug you posted you had been off birth control for 4 months so maybe he is trying to prevent a child and doesnt know how to talk about it so it is easier to just avoid the act all together?

If he isnt willing to get individual counseling then you go get individual counseling and get him into couples counseling and then perhaps it will help him see just how mcuh help he needs plus he will see you doing it as a first step and wont feel like it is 'all him' that is in wrong and in need of 'extra help'. Also, needing this extra help and having these problems can be very demeaning to a male ego which could be lowering his sex drive.
 
M

mom2lillian

New member
Jessi-the physical aspect is like which came first chicken or egg. Your time together is unhappy which makes being intimate undesirable which makes you mad and angry and hurt and yelling which makes your time together MORE unhappy which makes it less desirable and it just repeats and gets worse each time.

Additionally, I dont knwo if it coincides but he may full realize it is a terrible idea to have a child right now and on the 22Aug you posted you had been off birth control for 4 months so maybe he is trying to prevent a child and doesnt know how to talk about it so it is easier to just avoid the act all together?

If he isnt willing to get individual counseling then you go get individual counseling and get him into couples counseling and then perhaps it will help him see just how mcuh help he needs plus he will see you doing it as a first step and wont feel like it is 'all him' that is in wrong and in need of 'extra help'. Also, needing this extra help and having these problems can be very demeaning to a male ego which could be lowering his sex drive.
 
M

mom2lillian

New member
Jessi-the physical aspect is like which came first chicken or egg. Your time together is unhappy which makes being intimate undesirable which makes you mad and angry and hurt and yelling which makes your time together MORE unhappy which makes it less desirable and it just repeats and gets worse each time.

Additionally, I dont knwo if it coincides but he may full realize it is a terrible idea to have a child right now and on the 22Aug you posted you had been off birth control for 4 months so maybe he is trying to prevent a child and doesnt know how to talk about it so it is easier to just avoid the act all together?

If he isnt willing to get individual counseling then you go get individual counseling and get him into couples counseling and then perhaps it will help him see just how mcuh help he needs plus he will see you doing it as a first step and wont feel like it is 'all him' that is in wrong and in need of 'extra help'. Also, needing this extra help and having these problems can be very demeaning to a male ego which could be lowering his sex drive.
 
M

mom2lillian

New member
Jessi-the physical aspect is like which came first chicken or egg. Your time together is unhappy which makes being intimate undesirable which makes you mad and angry and hurt and yelling which makes your time together MORE unhappy which makes it less desirable and it just repeats and gets worse each time.

Additionally, I dont knwo if it coincides but he may full realize it is a terrible idea to have a child right now and on the 22Aug you posted you had been off birth control for 4 months so maybe he is trying to prevent a child and doesnt know how to talk about it so it is easier to just avoid the act all together?

If he isnt willing to get individual counseling then you go get individual counseling and get him into couples counseling and then perhaps it will help him see just how mcuh help he needs plus he will see you doing it as a first step and wont feel like it is 'all him' that is in wrong and in need of 'extra help'. Also, needing this extra help and having these problems can be very demeaning to a male ego which could be lowering his sex drive.
 
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