ok I don't want to start anything here...read if you like

[Scarlett81]

Thanks Lynda,

It's good to hear from a successful mother like yourself. Any tips? How do you handle "mommy time"-like when you need an hour to do your therapies? When they're very young-do you just put them in the playpen?
See these are the things that I am calculating now. The everyday stuff that relates to my illness. If any of you have any tips, or would just like to share what your basic day consists of, I'd appreciate it. It may sound silly to you, but these are the things that I need to hear. I know that I need to become more regimented than I am, and I am not one of those "it'll fall into place" people. I need information so I can make a rough plan.

 

[Landy]

I don't know about the 'successful mother' comment, but I try<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
I sent you a private message so as not to bore everyone here with details.

 

[LoveShines4Austin]

OK....another "selfish" person steps up to bat...

Austin doesn't want kids. Even if he could have kids, he doesn't want them. I told him that his feelings might change when he falls in love with a woman that wants children. He shakes his head and says he will never change his mind. He refuses to take "the risk" of possibly having a child with CF. He can't stand the thought of putting another human being through what he has gone through..and will continue to go through.

My dad's father only had one son. My dad didn't have any sons. Austin is the last male with the family name. I didn't put his father's name on his birth certificate...he didn't deserve such a beautiful baby boy. So there stops the blood line on these branches of the Warkentin name. So be it.

Here's the selfish part. Just as anyone that loves someone with CF would want to have a piece of that person (a child) with them after that person passes on...I, as a loving mother, would like to have a piece of my son. I'm going to miss the chance to watch his children grow up. Yes, I have a daughter, and she may one day decide to have children, that's up to her. Yes, I'll have those grandchildren to love. But if Austin doesn't have children and he dies, then I'll have nothing left of him. I'm sure this all might sound stupid...but it's something I've thought about more than once. I just keep reminding myself to cherish every minute that I have with my children...because you never know what might happen.

It's such a tough choice for anyone to make. I feel for anyone that has to go through that struggle.

 

[anonymous]

well, the testing is getting so advanced now that it can pretty much rule out if a person is a carrier of the gene or not. so if he finds a woman he loves and she is clear of any mutations why hesitate with children?

 

[65rosessamurai]

Christian,
Sean does have a legitimate point, though it's one I've only heard of. Some, but all men have a desire to have offspring, and sometimes "stray" from their monogamous relationship for that desire.
However, I really think he strayed a bit from the subject which you had brought up.
My view was that for men being the bread-winners, and women doing the child rearing (This is where maternal instinct becomes important), the man may have concerns about how his spouse and family would carry on without him, if he passed away prematurely. It just may bias his decision, but won't be the main decision-maker.
I also have concerns at 40, whether to have children (In whatever way possible-IFV or adoption), but it is the concern of when I am not alive anymore, what their future will hold; will it still be secure or not.
However, I'm sure with adding a man's point of view, may help in giving a different perception to your concern.
I don't believe that having/or not having children should be based on anyone else's decision (and business) but the couple whom are planning it. It's sad to hear someone thinking how "selfish" someone is by having children, while others may think not having children may be considered as "selfish", too.
One of my brothers decided on not having any children, while I cannot. I considered his decision to be "cowardly", because he didn't think he could raise a better child than his dad could. However, I wished he would have had the courage to do so, because, as I understand, he has the capability to do it easier than I could.

 

[Seana30]

Okay.....I am probably going to start something here but I have to speak up.

About a year ago I tried to give the perspective of what it feels like when your child is diagnosed with CF. I WAS COMPLETELY BASHED BY QUITE A FEW PEOPLE FOR DOING THIS! I was told that I was a horrible person for even thinking about the fact that my child will not live a long and happy life. That I should have a positive outlook on all aspects of Courtney's life.

Why is this different? Why is it okay to look at the fact that CFers might not live a long life if you are looking at having children? If we are suppose have such positive outlooks shouldn't this include childrearing?

Now, I really hope if Courtney decides to have children that she will adopt. I was adopted and think it is a wonderful thing to do. I do feel that pregnancy would be to much on her fagile body, but will support her whatever her decision is.

Lilth,

I have always been so impressed by your posts, and was quite upset and surprised with your response. I understand not wanting or liking children, and I know that there are parents out there that do not make their children behave in public.....but saying you want to drop kick any child that makes a noise is apalling!

LisaV,

I had my first child at the age of 17. BY NO MEANS DID I HAVE THIS CHILD BECAUSE I FELT UNWANTED OR UNLOVED!!! I made a mistake and dealt with it. I might have been young, but I am a GREAT mom! Just because I had her young does not mean that I could not properly take care of my child or that she was unloved.

Christian,

I think you need to listen to your heart. You and your spouse are the only ones that can decide if this is right for you. I wish you well!

Seana

mom to

Lauren-15, no CF
Courtney-13, with CF
Cameron-10, no CF

 

[Diana]

Wow what a thoughtless comment to have been made....clearly Christian this is the same kind of person who would abort their own baby if they found out it had some kind of deformity etc. Would it change the love they could have given, no, but they would think of how "unfair" their place in society would be. Cop out! Now if you asked the same person if their child was to be born healthy but then suffered a deformity through an accident would their rightful plaace in the world change? They of course would say no.

Honestly if you know how good you would be to your child for as long as you are here, isn't that what matters? I know any child would rather have a loving parent able to leave a great legacy for a possibly shorter time than have an unloving or emotionally challenged parent for a long time to leave nothing but bad memories.

Time on this earth is never a sure thing, but the love you have for your future children is. Having something to live for might just get you to hang a little longer than expected......Remove those bad thoughts and follow your heart.

 

[Scarlett81]

I also think it makes a difference when you have a certain amount of support around you. I'm not saying that couples without this support shouldn't have kids. But, it's a great comfort to me to have my in-laws next door, and my sister in law and her husband and children next door too. We have sat down with all of them, and talked about the unfortunate possibility of me dying in the future, and of hospitilizations, ect. And we're all on the same page now of who will help out with the kids. We have their complete assurance that they'll be there for us and our children.
Some people don't have the family, or they have the family, but wouldn't trust them neccesarily with their kids. That's how it is with my side of the family. (my parents will never have control of my kids! too messed up!)
But, we're fortunate enough to have so much TRUSTED support. And other young children around, cousins, nieces, for our kids to grow up with.
I just think that support makes a big difference.

 

[julie]

Laurel,

Austin may change his mind yet, don't hold your breath thinking you'll never have one of his offspring. Mark was dead set on no children from the time he learned what his CF really was... look at us today. He is so excited and so happy. I was HUGE concern of ours about passing on CF, but I was tested numerous times and we felt comfortable pursuing IVF after about 6 tests (we kept having more because they found more mutations). He may change his mind, certainly don't push it, but don't despair either.

 

[Scarlett81]

yeah, I was just going to say that too. He's young, he's a guy, he hasn't met his "girl" yet. And he may fall in love with a girl that loves him, but wants kids more than anything! So, you never know!<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">