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Question for Spouses
- Thread starter Emily65Roses
- Start date
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>I guess what it really comes down too, is I would LOVE to hear some "WS" talk about what they go through, and I am totally supportive of anyone who chooses to do that. Of COURSE you deserve love and affection. But you can find friends and support who are willing to give that WITHOUT cheating. And I would think that that's what a forum like that is for.... offering love and support to other's who are going through the same thing you are. What I read was not love and support.... it was full of resentment and anger. And to be honest, if I were caring for someone, and I knew that it was becoming to hard for me, and I was starting to think about cheating, I WOULD tell my spouse. Because in the end, the guilt would kill me. I'm not even talking about what it would do to my spouse, the guilt from cheating would tear me up inside. So I don't think it's healthy for someone to be telling another that it's a good idea to go out and cheat. And that's the feeling I got. I can understand if it happens. I don't agree with it, but I understand. But if you're going to cheat, for godsake, don't write about how you're not sorry and you deserved it in a public forum. ESPECIALLY because if Emily could find it, what's to stop the SPOUSE from finding it? Yeah, I'd be hurt if I was cheated on, but I'd have been CRUSHED if I'd read that.
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I agree with what you've said -- and my husband knows about the site, and I've read my posts to him. I had a good friend who I used to talk to, but when I realized that we might be becoming too close, I had to back off and stop contacting him. It was then that I realized that even with the best intentions, we're all human, and all vulnerable. I would not encourage someone to have an affair, and I would be angry if anyone tried to encourage me to have one. I was looking through old photos just the other day, and it was very painful to see the change from before his accident to after, but there still is something of the "old him" left. I have to remind myself of that, and see him, look past his damaged body and damaged brain and see just him. It's hard sometimes, really hard.
Diana
.<hr></blockquote>
I agree with what you've said -- and my husband knows about the site, and I've read my posts to him. I had a good friend who I used to talk to, but when I realized that we might be becoming too close, I had to back off and stop contacting him. It was then that I realized that even with the best intentions, we're all human, and all vulnerable. I would not encourage someone to have an affair, and I would be angry if anyone tried to encourage me to have one. I was looking through old photos just the other day, and it was very painful to see the change from before his accident to after, but there still is something of the "old him" left. I have to remind myself of that, and see him, look past his damaged body and damaged brain and see just him. It's hard sometimes, really hard.
Diana
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>I guess what it really comes down too, is I would LOVE to hear some "WS" talk about what they go through, and I am totally supportive of anyone who chooses to do that. Of COURSE you deserve love and affection. But you can find friends and support who are willing to give that WITHOUT cheating. And I would think that that's what a forum like that is for.... offering love and support to other's who are going through the same thing you are. What I read was not love and support.... it was full of resentment and anger. And to be honest, if I were caring for someone, and I knew that it was becoming to hard for me, and I was starting to think about cheating, I WOULD tell my spouse. Because in the end, the guilt would kill me. I'm not even talking about what it would do to my spouse, the guilt from cheating would tear me up inside. So I don't think it's healthy for someone to be telling another that it's a good idea to go out and cheat. And that's the feeling I got. I can understand if it happens. I don't agree with it, but I understand. But if you're going to cheat, for godsake, don't write about how you're not sorry and you deserved it in a public forum. ESPECIALLY because if Emily could find it, what's to stop the SPOUSE from finding it? Yeah, I'd be hurt if I was cheated on, but I'd have been CRUSHED if I'd read that.
.<hr></blockquote>
I agree with what you've said -- and my husband knows about the site, and I've read my posts to him. I had a good friend who I used to talk to, but when I realized that we might be becoming too close, I had to back off and stop contacting him. It was then that I realized that even with the best intentions, we're all human, and all vulnerable. I would not encourage someone to have an affair, and I would be angry if anyone tried to encourage me to have one. I was looking through old photos just the other day, and it was very painful to see the change from before his accident to after, but there still is something of the "old him" left. I have to remind myself of that, and see him, look past his damaged body and damaged brain and see just him. It's hard sometimes, really hard.
Diana
.<hr></blockquote>
I agree with what you've said -- and my husband knows about the site, and I've read my posts to him. I had a good friend who I used to talk to, but when I realized that we might be becoming too close, I had to back off and stop contacting him. It was then that I realized that even with the best intentions, we're all human, and all vulnerable. I would not encourage someone to have an affair, and I would be angry if anyone tried to encourage me to have one. I was looking through old photos just the other day, and it was very painful to see the change from before his accident to after, but there still is something of the "old him" left. I have to remind myself of that, and see him, look past his damaged body and damaged brain and see just him. It's hard sometimes, really hard.
Diana
Wunderkin23
New member
Yeah, if something happens, we're ALL human. I wouldn't judge someone for slipping up.... I just don't think it's something that should be ENCOURAGED. That was what bothered me.
Wunderkin23
New member
Yeah, if something happens, we're ALL human. I wouldn't judge someone for slipping up.... I just don't think it's something that should be ENCOURAGED. That was what bothered me.
Just an opinion, don't mean to offend anyone, but I wouldn't call adultery "slipping up."
I understand why so many people view it that way, and I don't blame them, b/c society really permits it.
But like Diana said, she realized she was in a dangerous position after the curiosity had been cultivated through alot of contact with that person. Ususally there are warning signs before the act actually takes place.
So, all I'm saying is there's really no excuse, if you want it you want it. And I think the point is that the site condones willfull cheating-whatever the circumstances being-not accidental slip-ups.
Christian
I understand why so many people view it that way, and I don't blame them, b/c society really permits it.
But like Diana said, she realized she was in a dangerous position after the curiosity had been cultivated through alot of contact with that person. Ususally there are warning signs before the act actually takes place.
So, all I'm saying is there's really no excuse, if you want it you want it. And I think the point is that the site condones willfull cheating-whatever the circumstances being-not accidental slip-ups.
Christian
Just an opinion, don't mean to offend anyone, but I wouldn't call adultery "slipping up."
I understand why so many people view it that way, and I don't blame them, b/c society really permits it.
But like Diana said, she realized she was in a dangerous position after the curiosity had been cultivated through alot of contact with that person. Ususally there are warning signs before the act actually takes place.
So, all I'm saying is there's really no excuse, if you want it you want it. And I think the point is that the site condones willfull cheating-whatever the circumstances being-not accidental slip-ups.
Christian
I understand why so many people view it that way, and I don't blame them, b/c society really permits it.
But like Diana said, she realized she was in a dangerous position after the curiosity had been cultivated through alot of contact with that person. Ususally there are warning signs before the act actually takes place.
So, all I'm saying is there's really no excuse, if you want it you want it. And I think the point is that the site condones willfull cheating-whatever the circumstances being-not accidental slip-ups.
Christian
WS here -
BTW - my name is Melody. I hope you don't mind me popping in here again. It seems that we have all put our claws away (myself included LOL).
There was a posting that indicated an interest in some of the experiences of a WS. Just a couple of things that I would like to share. Yes, as many of you mentioned the WS/IS thing in many ways does indicate an unequal relationship. I am lucky that my spouse still does what he can to support the family unit, but many do not. And it is simply frustrating and heartbreaking when a spouse actually does things to make a difficult situation worse. Smoking, drinking, overuse of pain meds, failure to to follow doctors orders, obesity, failure to exercise, severe financial irresponsibility, and taking out anger and frustration on everyone around - all of these are contributors to making a marriage much less than it should be. These things, much more than the actual illness, are what destroy hope and equality and marriages.
Certainly as individuals with CF you have to take an active role in your own health. Sadly, many people with other conditions give up or never bothered in the first place or even actively harm their own health. The pain of watching a loved one destroy themselves is almost unbearable. Hence, the detachment that many well spouses talk about.
And if you guys can stand it, here is another reason to stay married. Medical Insurance. Since in this society we tie insurance to jobs and very often sick or disabled people are unable to work, leaving a spouse would leave them in dire straights. Without my insurance, and also my income to pay for the wheelchair van, the medical supplies, the adaptations to the house, even the house itself, my spouse would be up a creek.
Melody
P.S. For the record, as per the definitions stated in this thread, I do not cheat. My IS and I worked things out in a way that is both comfortable and honest. I just don't judge those who do, and I feel deep empathy for those who are stuggling. In truth, most of what you witnessed on the intimacy board was the struggle. The very fact that we DO struggle is an indication of how very difficult it is for many, if not most well spouses.
If possible, I would rather not open up that can of worms again. Your words were heard loud and clear and have been noted.
BTW - my name is Melody. I hope you don't mind me popping in here again. It seems that we have all put our claws away (myself included LOL).
There was a posting that indicated an interest in some of the experiences of a WS. Just a couple of things that I would like to share. Yes, as many of you mentioned the WS/IS thing in many ways does indicate an unequal relationship. I am lucky that my spouse still does what he can to support the family unit, but many do not. And it is simply frustrating and heartbreaking when a spouse actually does things to make a difficult situation worse. Smoking, drinking, overuse of pain meds, failure to to follow doctors orders, obesity, failure to exercise, severe financial irresponsibility, and taking out anger and frustration on everyone around - all of these are contributors to making a marriage much less than it should be. These things, much more than the actual illness, are what destroy hope and equality and marriages.
Certainly as individuals with CF you have to take an active role in your own health. Sadly, many people with other conditions give up or never bothered in the first place or even actively harm their own health. The pain of watching a loved one destroy themselves is almost unbearable. Hence, the detachment that many well spouses talk about.
And if you guys can stand it, here is another reason to stay married. Medical Insurance. Since in this society we tie insurance to jobs and very often sick or disabled people are unable to work, leaving a spouse would leave them in dire straights. Without my insurance, and also my income to pay for the wheelchair van, the medical supplies, the adaptations to the house, even the house itself, my spouse would be up a creek.
Melody
P.S. For the record, as per the definitions stated in this thread, I do not cheat. My IS and I worked things out in a way that is both comfortable and honest. I just don't judge those who do, and I feel deep empathy for those who are stuggling. In truth, most of what you witnessed on the intimacy board was the struggle. The very fact that we DO struggle is an indication of how very difficult it is for many, if not most well spouses.
If possible, I would rather not open up that can of worms again. Your words were heard loud and clear and have been noted.
WS here -
BTW - my name is Melody. I hope you don't mind me popping in here again. It seems that we have all put our claws away (myself included LOL).
There was a posting that indicated an interest in some of the experiences of a WS. Just a couple of things that I would like to share. Yes, as many of you mentioned the WS/IS thing in many ways does indicate an unequal relationship. I am lucky that my spouse still does what he can to support the family unit, but many do not. And it is simply frustrating and heartbreaking when a spouse actually does things to make a difficult situation worse. Smoking, drinking, overuse of pain meds, failure to to follow doctors orders, obesity, failure to exercise, severe financial irresponsibility, and taking out anger and frustration on everyone around - all of these are contributors to making a marriage much less than it should be. These things, much more than the actual illness, are what destroy hope and equality and marriages.
Certainly as individuals with CF you have to take an active role in your own health. Sadly, many people with other conditions give up or never bothered in the first place or even actively harm their own health. The pain of watching a loved one destroy themselves is almost unbearable. Hence, the detachment that many well spouses talk about.
And if you guys can stand it, here is another reason to stay married. Medical Insurance. Since in this society we tie insurance to jobs and very often sick or disabled people are unable to work, leaving a spouse would leave them in dire straights. Without my insurance, and also my income to pay for the wheelchair van, the medical supplies, the adaptations to the house, even the house itself, my spouse would be up a creek.
Melody
P.S. For the record, as per the definitions stated in this thread, I do not cheat. My IS and I worked things out in a way that is both comfortable and honest. I just don't judge those who do, and I feel deep empathy for those who are stuggling. In truth, most of what you witnessed on the intimacy board was the struggle. The very fact that we DO struggle is an indication of how very difficult it is for many, if not most well spouses.
If possible, I would rather not open up that can of worms again. Your words were heard loud and clear and have been noted.
BTW - my name is Melody. I hope you don't mind me popping in here again. It seems that we have all put our claws away (myself included LOL).
There was a posting that indicated an interest in some of the experiences of a WS. Just a couple of things that I would like to share. Yes, as many of you mentioned the WS/IS thing in many ways does indicate an unequal relationship. I am lucky that my spouse still does what he can to support the family unit, but many do not. And it is simply frustrating and heartbreaking when a spouse actually does things to make a difficult situation worse. Smoking, drinking, overuse of pain meds, failure to to follow doctors orders, obesity, failure to exercise, severe financial irresponsibility, and taking out anger and frustration on everyone around - all of these are contributors to making a marriage much less than it should be. These things, much more than the actual illness, are what destroy hope and equality and marriages.
Certainly as individuals with CF you have to take an active role in your own health. Sadly, many people with other conditions give up or never bothered in the first place or even actively harm their own health. The pain of watching a loved one destroy themselves is almost unbearable. Hence, the detachment that many well spouses talk about.
And if you guys can stand it, here is another reason to stay married. Medical Insurance. Since in this society we tie insurance to jobs and very often sick or disabled people are unable to work, leaving a spouse would leave them in dire straights. Without my insurance, and also my income to pay for the wheelchair van, the medical supplies, the adaptations to the house, even the house itself, my spouse would be up a creek.
Melody
P.S. For the record, as per the definitions stated in this thread, I do not cheat. My IS and I worked things out in a way that is both comfortable and honest. I just don't judge those who do, and I feel deep empathy for those who are stuggling. In truth, most of what you witnessed on the intimacy board was the struggle. The very fact that we DO struggle is an indication of how very difficult it is for many, if not most well spouses.
If possible, I would rather not open up that can of worms again. Your words were heard loud and clear and have been noted.