Question for Spouses

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

As a WS I sincerely apologize for words that were written in anger. It isn't right to insult people.

I, and many others, were hurt by the characterizations that were made. However, that does not excuse any actions on our part that made your obvious pain worse.

I respect your right to disagree with me. I respect the pain and losses and worries you have in your lives.

Please accept my regrets for any contributions that I made to this whole mess.

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

As a WS I sincerely apologize for words that were written in anger. It isn't right to insult people.

I, and many others, were hurt by the characterizations that were made. However, that does not excuse any actions on our part that made your obvious pain worse.

I respect your right to disagree with me. I respect the pain and losses and worries you have in your lives.

Please accept my regrets for any contributions that I made to this whole mess.

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

I do NOT remember any one saying that Allie was "lucky" that her husband died young so she didn't have decades of caregiving to experience.
I DO remember some one saying that she had not experienced decades of caregiving, she was in no position to say how she would feel if she did. That it would be more realistic/honest to say she didn't really know how pooped she'd be if she did intense caregivng for 27 years.

I did not take the comment to be a competition as in "i've been a caregiver for 27 years and you were only one for 7" or something like that.
But instead took it as a plea to recognize that each person's sitution was different and tho' we try to empathize with one another we can finally not fully get it.

And as a new widow myself, who only had the opportunity to caregive for a few years, yes, like Allie, I wish my husband's decline had not been so quick. We were keen to make the kitchen wheelchair accessible, to get the new AirSep oxygen generator so he could fly with more ease, to go to his daughter's wedding, etc. But it was not to be. And in all honesty as he needed 24/7 care and help with transfers and all, I was tired and getting tireder. I could not have helped at that level for much longer without injury. We were looking at hiring even more help. Did that mean I wanted an affair? No way! I wanted 8 hours sleep. Did that mean I wanted a divorce? No way! I wanted 8 hours sleep. Did that mean I wanted him dean? No way! I wanted 8 hours sleep.

Heck. I still want 8 hours sleep.
Grieving is hard work. .... and it clouds my judgement and makes me prone to mishear and miscommunicating - and makes me prone to anger.
Right now I'm mainly angry at all of those people (especially grownup family members) who made it to his funeral, but hadn't visited for months.
But someone can say just one stupid well meaning thing to me (like "well, he's at peace now. he'd suffered for so long.") and I might go ballistic.

My father used to say "everybody's different. everybody means well" (the last meaning that there are very few people who get up in the morning thinking "now how can I hurt someone today" and most people's decisions "make sense to them".)

And everybody's talking for/to themselves on these boards I think. We can only share our "experience, strength, and hope" and sometimes our "despair". We can not tell anyone else what to do. If Mr. X is thinking a sexual affair will make him a happy person, well maybe it will. Wouldn't cut it for me, I think as I read things like this. But who am I to say.

I cannot believe I am still posting about this.
I hardly EVER go or went to the Intimacy part of the Wellspouse board.
Intimacy was not a problem between my husband and myself, but what we did to ensure that was so "intimate" that I didn't much want to share it on a board with anyone.

Sorry, I really need to shut up and get online and do my work.
Please, folks, if you could not take it all so personally if someone else makes a life choice that is different than yours it would really help.
As my daughter's kinidergarten teacher used to say "BOUNDARIES, please!"

And now to respect yours, I'm off to work,
-LisaV

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

I do NOT remember any one saying that Allie was "lucky" that her husband died young so she didn't have decades of caregiving to experience.
I DO remember some one saying that she had not experienced decades of caregiving, she was in no position to say how she would feel if she did. That it would be more realistic/honest to say she didn't really know how pooped she'd be if she did intense caregivng for 27 years.

I did not take the comment to be a competition as in "i've been a caregiver for 27 years and you were only one for 7" or something like that.
But instead took it as a plea to recognize that each person's sitution was different and tho' we try to empathize with one another we can finally not fully get it.

And as a new widow myself, who only had the opportunity to caregive for a few years, yes, like Allie, I wish my husband's decline had not been so quick. We were keen to make the kitchen wheelchair accessible, to get the new AirSep oxygen generator so he could fly with more ease, to go to his daughter's wedding, etc. But it was not to be. And in all honesty as he needed 24/7 care and help with transfers and all, I was tired and getting tireder. I could not have helped at that level for much longer without injury. We were looking at hiring even more help. Did that mean I wanted an affair? No way! I wanted 8 hours sleep. Did that mean I wanted a divorce? No way! I wanted 8 hours sleep. Did that mean I wanted him dean? No way! I wanted 8 hours sleep.

Heck. I still want 8 hours sleep.
Grieving is hard work. .... and it clouds my judgement and makes me prone to mishear and miscommunicating - and makes me prone to anger.
Right now I'm mainly angry at all of those people (especially grownup family members) who made it to his funeral, but hadn't visited for months.
But someone can say just one stupid well meaning thing to me (like "well, he's at peace now. he'd suffered for so long.") and I might go ballistic.

My father used to say "everybody's different. everybody means well" (the last meaning that there are very few people who get up in the morning thinking "now how can I hurt someone today" and most people's decisions "make sense to them".)

And everybody's talking for/to themselves on these boards I think. We can only share our "experience, strength, and hope" and sometimes our "despair". We can not tell anyone else what to do. If Mr. X is thinking a sexual affair will make him a happy person, well maybe it will. Wouldn't cut it for me, I think as I read things like this. But who am I to say.

I cannot believe I am still posting about this.
I hardly EVER go or went to the Intimacy part of the Wellspouse board.
Intimacy was not a problem between my husband and myself, but what we did to ensure that was so "intimate" that I didn't much want to share it on a board with anyone.

Sorry, I really need to shut up and get online and do my work.
Please, folks, if you could not take it all so personally if someone else makes a life choice that is different than yours it would really help.
As my daughter's kinidergarten teacher used to say "BOUNDARIES, please!"

And now to respect yours, I'm off to work,
-LisaV

JazzysMom · Feb 1, 2006

Well Wrote LisaV!

JazzysMom · Feb 1, 2006

Well Wrote LisaV!

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

I am a wellspouse. I have been one for 15 years. I love my husband. I DID marry him "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". I have been his loyal companion for nearly nineteen years of marriage. We have 2 incredible kids. I take good care of him.
I didn't marry my IS because of sex, but I married someone who loved me (which he still does), and who could comfort and care for me-who could sustain my emotional needs, and I, his.....He can no longer do this, thru no fault of his own. I would never consider divorce.

After 15 years of caregiving, I am tired of not getting my emotional needs met. No one to share with. Because of his TBI and other injuries(causing more and more physical issues), he is unable to love and care for me the way I long to be cared for. No one to hold me when my parents died, no one to kiss my face and caress me. It makes me incredibly sad....

I lost "sexual feelings" towards my IS when I had to start changing him, cleaning up his accidents, helping him with his toileting.

Will I ever look outside our marriage to fill those emotional needs? I have no idea. But I certainly would never, EVER condemn my ws "family" for doing so, because I certainly understand where they are coming from.

So, before you judge, before you continue to call of us nasty names, wishing us bad karma....walk a mile in our shoes. No, wait.....I wouldn't ask that of you......but be compassionate, as you wish others to be with you.

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

I am a wellspouse. I have been one for 15 years. I love my husband. I DID marry him "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". I have been his loyal companion for nearly nineteen years of marriage. We have 2 incredible kids. I take good care of him.
I didn't marry my IS because of sex, but I married someone who loved me (which he still does), and who could comfort and care for me-who could sustain my emotional needs, and I, his.....He can no longer do this, thru no fault of his own. I would never consider divorce.

After 15 years of caregiving, I am tired of not getting my emotional needs met. No one to share with. Because of his TBI and other injuries(causing more and more physical issues), he is unable to love and care for me the way I long to be cared for. No one to hold me when my parents died, no one to kiss my face and caress me. It makes me incredibly sad....

I lost "sexual feelings" towards my IS when I had to start changing him, cleaning up his accidents, helping him with his toileting.

Will I ever look outside our marriage to fill those emotional needs? I have no idea. But I certainly would never, EVER condemn my ws "family" for doing so, because I certainly understand where they are coming from.

So, before you judge, before you continue to call of us nasty names, wishing us bad karma....walk a mile in our shoes. No, wait.....I wouldn't ask that of you......but be compassionate, as you wish others to be with you.

miesl · Feb 1, 2006

<blockquote>Quote <hr>Originally posted by: Anonymous walk a mile in our shoes. <hr></blockquote>
Have you even read the previous posts? Some of us are WSs.

miesl · Feb 1, 2006

<blockquote>Quote <hr>Originally posted by: Anonymous walk a mile in our shoes. <hr></blockquote>
Have you even read the previous posts? Some of us are WSs.

Allie · Feb 1, 2006

And also, not to nitpick, but we made exceptions for brain injuries in our discussion. Just saying.

Lisa, I wish I would have saved the comment about me being lucky, but it wasn't the one you were talking about. It wasn't from a 'main player' it was from someone fairly unreasonable and quick of mouth.

As to the rest of your post, I think you worded it brilliantly. I remember what it was like not to be able to sleep at night, being too busy checking on everything, hoping everything was going to be alright, setting up bipap, Ivs, feeding tube, and other fun stuff. And like you, I never had an urge to cheat on my husband. He was the love of my life, sick or not.

Actually, Lisa, I think grieving put us both in anger mode quickly, and without consideration. I know anger and hurt were my immediate feelings when I read that board, talking about their spouses like they were less than human, when I felt they were so fortunate to have them by their side. I loved Ry, and he got taken away from me. Those people who cheat have their spouses. That borders on an insane and cruel twist to me. Anyone who knows me well knows that the whole issue screwed me up for days. <blockquote>Quote <hr>Right now I'm mainly angry at all of those people (especially grownup family members) who made it to his funeral, but hadn't visited for months.But someone can say just one stupid well meaning thing to me (like "well, he's at peace now. he'd suffered for so long.") and I might go ballistic.
<hr></blockquote> I understand, actually. This isn't going to be a comfort to you, but nearly 9 months out, I still go ballistic on people who say well meaning but dumb things. Grieving someone you loved dearly isn't this magical quick process everyone says it is. When people tell me to suck it up and not to cry, I still want to punch them in the face, because they don't understand, they don't get it.

Anyhow, maybe we have different perspectives, but miesl and I, at least have the right to comment as Ws too. And the people that comment how happy they are that they are having an affair make me sick, I'm sorry. Maybe I was lucky enough to fall in love for keeps, even if it was far too short of a time.

Allie · Feb 1, 2006

And also, not to nitpick, but we made exceptions for brain injuries in our discussion. Just saying.

Lisa, I wish I would have saved the comment about me being lucky, but it wasn't the one you were talking about. It wasn't from a 'main player' it was from someone fairly unreasonable and quick of mouth.

As to the rest of your post, I think you worded it brilliantly. I remember what it was like not to be able to sleep at night, being too busy checking on everything, hoping everything was going to be alright, setting up bipap, Ivs, feeding tube, and other fun stuff. And like you, I never had an urge to cheat on my husband. He was the love of my life, sick or not.

Actually, Lisa, I think grieving put us both in anger mode quickly, and without consideration. I know anger and hurt were my immediate feelings when I read that board, talking about their spouses like they were less than human, when I felt they were so fortunate to have them by their side. I loved Ry, and he got taken away from me. Those people who cheat have their spouses. That borders on an insane and cruel twist to me. Anyone who knows me well knows that the whole issue screwed me up for days. <blockquote>Quote <hr>Right now I'm mainly angry at all of those people (especially grownup family members) who made it to his funeral, but hadn't visited for months.But someone can say just one stupid well meaning thing to me (like "well, he's at peace now. he'd suffered for so long.") and I might go ballistic.
<hr></blockquote> I understand, actually. This isn't going to be a comfort to you, but nearly 9 months out, I still go ballistic on people who say well meaning but dumb things. Grieving someone you loved dearly isn't this magical quick process everyone says it is. When people tell me to suck it up and not to cry, I still want to punch them in the face, because they don't understand, they don't get it.

Anyhow, maybe we have different perspectives, but miesl and I, at least have the right to comment as Ws too. And the people that comment how happy they are that they are having an affair make me sick, I'm sorry. Maybe I was lucky enough to fall in love for keeps, even if it was far too short of a time.

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

"Have you even read the previous posts? Some of us are WSs. "
As a ws, I would hope that you would have had a tad more compassion.

"And also, not to nitpick, but we made exceptions for brain injuries in our discussion. Just saying. "
Perhaps the posts were spewing such hatred and villification that I totally bypassed these certain "conditions" that make it ok.

anonymous · Feb 1, 2006

"Have you even read the previous posts? Some of us are WSs. "
As a ws, I would hope that you would have had a tad more compassion.

"And also, not to nitpick, but we made exceptions for brain injuries in our discussion. Just saying. "
Perhaps the posts were spewing such hatred and villification that I totally bypassed these certain "conditions" that make it ok.

miesl · Feb 1, 2006

Okay - enough. If you're going to continue to be such a jerk - start leaving your name.

Guess what - I must have totally bypassed those certain "conditions" that make cheating on your SPOUSE ok.

If I lack compassion for cheaters and other assorted scum - more power to me.

miesl · Feb 1, 2006

Okay - enough. If you're going to continue to be such a jerk - start leaving your name.

Guess what - I must have totally bypassed those certain "conditions" that make cheating on your SPOUSE ok.

If I lack compassion for cheaters and other assorted scum - more power to me.

thelizardqueen · Feb 1, 2006

At this point I wonder if its safe to agree to disagree. I may not be a WS, and I may not ever know what it will be like to take of someone long term. As an IS (and I hate these terms IS or WS) I would never cheat on my partner. But I think we can both agree that we've got 7 pages going about a difference of opinion, that most likely we will never agree upon.

thelizardqueen · Feb 1, 2006

At this point I wonder if its safe to agree to disagree. I may not be a WS, and I may not ever know what it will be like to take of someone long term. As an IS (and I hate these terms IS or WS) I would never cheat on my partner. But I think we can both agree that we've got 7 pages going about a difference of opinion, that most likely we will never agree upon.

Emily65Roses · Feb 1, 2006

<blockquote>Quote <hr>Originally posted by: Anonymous 
"And also, not to nitpick, but we made exceptions for brain injuries in our discussion. Just saying."
Perhaps the posts were spewing such hatred and villification that I totally bypassed these certain "conditions" that make it ok.<hr></blockquote>

Why is that our problem?

Emily65Roses · Feb 1, 2006

<blockquote>Quote <hr>Originally posted by: Anonymous 
"And also, not to nitpick, but we made exceptions for brain injuries in our discussion. Just saying."
Perhaps the posts were spewing such hatred and villification that I totally bypassed these certain "conditions" that make it ok.<hr></blockquote>

Why is that our problem?

Question for Spouses

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