Question for Spouses

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Emily65Roses

New member
In with what Wunderkin said... I also talk to Mike and listen. He's not usually one to come to me to complain about taking care of my med stuff (he'd be far more likely to tell me I'm being annoying, or too loud, or not letting him get a word in, etc etc etc), but I very often ask him about it, ask him if his wrists hurt while he's beating me, and that if they are, we can skip tonight or cut it down. I thank him for any and everything he does for me (yes, that includes beating me), and every once and a while sit him down and tell him how appreciated he is for the "extra" and "abnormal" work he does. Not that that alleviates everything, but don't tell us we don't try to understand. I also agree with Wunderkin on the idea that discussing the problem is far more likely to get you places than keeping it in and getting all bitter and angry will. Mike has most certainly complained to me about CF stuff... when he had to come over to beat me and he was tired, or had to get up to get me something, or whatever else. He tells me what's wrong, I listen, we discuss it if need be, etc etc. At the risk of sounding like a therapist, communication is key.

I will not condone cheating on a physically ill, but mentally aware spouse, no matter the circumstances. This is simply my opinion, and I won't be changing it. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything that "well spouses" do. I think a good deal of us make sure to try and go out of our way to understand so that our spouses don't feel underappreciated and get attitude-y about it. A "well spouse" who takes care of their loved one and isn't abusive/a liar/a cheater will always get respect from me. Always. But that doesn't mean I'm going to negate the really crappy things some of them do because of the good stuff they do too. Doing a bunch of good things and then some crappy stuff doesn't even you out, or make the bad things go away. Anyway, I'm rambling.

And to Vampy, and Allie... Vampy, Allie was responding to the post before yours when she was saying she didn't agree (or whatever the little argument was). I think that's where the confusion entered the picture. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
In with what Wunderkin said... I also talk to Mike and listen. He's not usually one to come to me to complain about taking care of my med stuff (he'd be far more likely to tell me I'm being annoying, or too loud, or not letting him get a word in, etc etc etc), but I very often ask him about it, ask him if his wrists hurt while he's beating me, and that if they are, we can skip tonight or cut it down. I thank him for any and everything he does for me (yes, that includes beating me), and every once and a while sit him down and tell him how appreciated he is for the "extra" and "abnormal" work he does. Not that that alleviates everything, but don't tell us we don't try to understand. I also agree with Wunderkin on the idea that discussing the problem is far more likely to get you places than keeping it in and getting all bitter and angry will. Mike has most certainly complained to me about CF stuff... when he had to come over to beat me and he was tired, or had to get up to get me something, or whatever else. He tells me what's wrong, I listen, we discuss it if need be, etc etc. At the risk of sounding like a therapist, communication is key.

I will not condone cheating on a physically ill, but mentally aware spouse, no matter the circumstances. This is simply my opinion, and I won't be changing it. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything that "well spouses" do. I think a good deal of us make sure to try and go out of our way to understand so that our spouses don't feel underappreciated and get attitude-y about it. A "well spouse" who takes care of their loved one and isn't abusive/a liar/a cheater will always get respect from me. Always. But that doesn't mean I'm going to negate the really crappy things some of them do because of the good stuff they do too. Doing a bunch of good things and then some crappy stuff doesn't even you out, or make the bad things go away. Anyway, I'm rambling.

And to Vampy, and Allie... Vampy, Allie was responding to the post before yours when she was saying she didn't agree (or whatever the little argument was). I think that's where the confusion entered the picture. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
Oh and also...
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr>Might I suggest that by saying that we are in the wrong for not being under lock and key that you are practicing a bit of rationalization and blame the victim. Something like "Sorry judge, I should not have assaulted that woman, but she should not have been out at night and she shouldn't have been wearing clothes that made me lose control." Just something to think about... <hr></blockquote>

Last I checked... voicing of one's opinions (commonly known as free speech) was not against the law. In fact, it's protected by law. I don't remember an amendment that said anything about one's right to "free rape." Sorry, but that's just too big a jump for me to even consider. It's simply ridiculous.
 
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Emily65Roses

New member
Oh and also...
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr>Might I suggest that by saying that we are in the wrong for not being under lock and key that you are practicing a bit of rationalization and blame the victim. Something like "Sorry judge, I should not have assaulted that woman, but she should not have been out at night and she shouldn't have been wearing clothes that made me lose control." Just something to think about... <hr></blockquote>

Last I checked... voicing of one's opinions (commonly known as free speech) was not against the law. In fact, it's protected by law. I don't remember an amendment that said anything about one's right to "free rape." Sorry, but that's just too big a jump for me to even consider. It's simply ridiculous.
 
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anonymous

New member
WS Here -

I will do my mea culpas and depart to my own board.

Yes, that wasn't a very nice thing to say. It was an exageration to make a point, but obviously not a useful one. I'm tired, and have the flu, and just got pissed off. That doesn't justify insulting or belittling another person. Nothing ever does. I am sorry.

We all have enough battles to fight without fighting each other.

I will not post or visit here again. I wish you all well in life.
 
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anonymous

New member
WS Here -

I will do my mea culpas and depart to my own board.

Yes, that wasn't a very nice thing to say. It was an exageration to make a point, but obviously not a useful one. I'm tired, and have the flu, and just got pissed off. That doesn't justify insulting or belittling another person. Nothing ever does. I am sorry.

We all have enough battles to fight without fighting each other.

I will not post or visit here again. I wish you all well in life.
 
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anonymous

New member
yeah well reading the original topic of this post...I'm replying to that <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> But yeah anyways...I would be so crushed if someone cheated on me because I had cf.<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> That is just so depressing! *sigh* just the thought ...
 
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anonymous

New member
yeah well reading the original topic of this post...I'm replying to that <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> But yeah anyways...I would be so crushed if someone cheated on me because I had cf.<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-sad.gif" border="0"> That is just so depressing! *sigh* just the thought ...
 
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anonymous

New member
i am both a WS and an IS (ill spouse) and i'm old, sick and tired of dealing with both our medical problems.

i think you are all missing the point here.
i don't think anyone cheats on someone because they are ill.
they cheat on someone because that person has changed, has become abusive verbally or physically, or has that "it's all about me" syndrome. or in the worse cases, have become a parody of the person they once were due to mental impairment.

most people do not seek sex.
what they seek is intimacy and emotional bonding.
there's more chance of getting that from someone who still has their full mental capacities and awareness (as with many Cf'ers), provided the IS has not allowed their disease to become the complete focus of their lives.

i have also been to the WS board.
to be fair, most of the posters seeking intimacy are in the position where they have been taking care of their spouses for decades.
their spouses on the other hand, have either changed due to mental impairment or have become abusive.

heck, i'll leave someone who's abusive even if they are totally well!

yet these folks have stayed on taking abuse after abuse after abuse.
do you think abuse is worth taking for the sake of looking good?
grow up!
 
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anonymous

New member
i am both a WS and an IS (ill spouse) and i'm old, sick and tired of dealing with both our medical problems.

i think you are all missing the point here.
i don't think anyone cheats on someone because they are ill.
they cheat on someone because that person has changed, has become abusive verbally or physically, or has that "it's all about me" syndrome. or in the worse cases, have become a parody of the person they once were due to mental impairment.

most people do not seek sex.
what they seek is intimacy and emotional bonding.
there's more chance of getting that from someone who still has their full mental capacities and awareness (as with many Cf'ers), provided the IS has not allowed their disease to become the complete focus of their lives.

i have also been to the WS board.
to be fair, most of the posters seeking intimacy are in the position where they have been taking care of their spouses for decades.
their spouses on the other hand, have either changed due to mental impairment or have become abusive.

heck, i'll leave someone who's abusive even if they are totally well!

yet these folks have stayed on taking abuse after abuse after abuse.
do you think abuse is worth taking for the sake of looking good?
grow up!
 
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thelizardqueen

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>


i think you are all missing the point here.

i don't think anyone cheats on someone because they are ill.

they cheat on someone because that person has changed, has become abusive verbally or physically, or has that "it's all about me" syndrome. or in the worse cases, have become a parody of the person they once were due to mental impairment. <hr></blockquote>

I think I would sooner leave an IS because they are treating me badly, then stay around and cheat because I don't want people to think ill of me for leaving that spouse. Cheating looks even worse then leaving a spouse because they are abusive.
 
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thelizardqueen

New member
<blockquote>Quote<br><hr><i>Originally posted by: <b>Anonymous</b></i><br>


i think you are all missing the point here.

i don't think anyone cheats on someone because they are ill.

they cheat on someone because that person has changed, has become abusive verbally or physically, or has that "it's all about me" syndrome. or in the worse cases, have become a parody of the person they once were due to mental impairment. <hr></blockquote>

I think I would sooner leave an IS because they are treating me badly, then stay around and cheat because I don't want people to think ill of me for leaving that spouse. Cheating looks even worse then leaving a spouse because they are abusive.
 
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anonymous

New member
oh, and before some smartass asks the obvious question. why not leave then?
let me answer that.

love is not one-dimensional.
love has many dimensions.
we can continue to love a person even though we may no longer be "in love" with them.

i can understand why ws's stay.
they stay because they still love their spouses
they stay because the IS needs them
they stay because due to a sense of responsiblity or a sense of duty.

people do NOT stay because they want to look good.......a shallow reason like that does not sustain a WS for long in the face of daily unrelenting stress of looking after a seriously ill person.
 
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anonymous

New member
oh, and before some smartass asks the obvious question. why not leave then?
let me answer that.

love is not one-dimensional.
love has many dimensions.
we can continue to love a person even though we may no longer be "in love" with them.

i can understand why ws's stay.
they stay because they still love their spouses
they stay because the IS needs them
they stay because due to a sense of responsiblity or a sense of duty.

people do NOT stay because they want to look good.......a shallow reason like that does not sustain a WS for long in the face of daily unrelenting stress of looking after a seriously ill person.
 
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Allie

New member
I understand that in the context of brain injuries, etc. Feeling like you have to take care of them. But if they are TRULY abusive, you need to leave. If it isn't just that they are sick and a little cranky, but truly abusive, you need to leave.

But in many situations, I don't think that's what it is. I think most couples don't want to get the counseling, and work on keeping thier marriage functioning. And I think they try to justify it with bolstering each others 'right' to have an affair. And if a spouse is mentally with it, I can't be that. It breaks my heart to think of Ry sitting at home while I'm out with someone else.
 
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Allie

New member
I understand that in the context of brain injuries, etc. Feeling like you have to take care of them. But if they are TRULY abusive, you need to leave. If it isn't just that they are sick and a little cranky, but truly abusive, you need to leave.

But in many situations, I don't think that's what it is. I think most couples don't want to get the counseling, and work on keeping thier marriage functioning. And I think they try to justify it with bolstering each others 'right' to have an affair. And if a spouse is mentally with it, I can't be that. It breaks my heart to think of Ry sitting at home while I'm out with someone else.
 
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littledebbie

New member
I just have to say those comments thrown out regarding Allie and Emily being self-righteous......almost too stupid to bother responding to, but just to throw in some support here it is. Uhmmm.. that's a big Nope, so sorry, try again. I really dislike when someone wants to look at someone's age or the length of their relationship etc. and use it to try to negate a good and rational arguement becasue they don't want to hear it. Intelligent debate tactic, why don't you stick out your tongue and out your fingers in your ears while your at it?
 
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littledebbie

New member
I just have to say those comments thrown out regarding Allie and Emily being self-righteous......almost too stupid to bother responding to, but just to throw in some support here it is. Uhmmm.. that's a big Nope, so sorry, try again. I really dislike when someone wants to look at someone's age or the length of their relationship etc. and use it to try to negate a good and rational arguement becasue they don't want to hear it. Intelligent debate tactic, why don't you stick out your tongue and out your fingers in your ears while your at it?
 
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