Teacher 'outed' my daughter!

[LisaV]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>Emily65Roses</b></i>
As for the secretive CF kid whose parent has been open, I think that's probably rare (at least more so). Most of the embarrassed kids are so because of the way their family treats it. And most of the open kids are so because of the way their family treats it. That has always been my experience anyway. For some cases, kids will be secretive no matter what, and that's not the parent's fault. I just wanted to make it clear that the more open you are about it, the more likely the kid is to accept it and not freak out about it.</end quote></div>


I have to agree with Em and others on this one - whether it is CF or another disease (like diabetes or hemaphilia). As a former teacher and parent it does seem that the kids I've encountered who were open, relaxed, and unashamed of their chronic illnesses were raised in families where the parents were too.

Nonetheless it was wrong of the teacher to "out" your daughter. But did she know that it was a "secret"? Had you told her to keep it a secret? I ask because since your daughter is a teenager and is hospitalized from time to time, I'm afraid that as a teacher I would assume (never should I know) that the kids all knew and that I might "out" inadvertantly by saying something like "she's in the hospital for a regular cleanout for her cystic fibrosis" - thinking that this had happened before and would happen again and was just sort of a "normal" hospitalization and therefore the kids could just give their "normal" support rather than thinking she was near death or something.

I live in a small town. There are no secrets here. There are just some things that are whispered about and some things that are discussed openly. Just me, but I'd rather have things discussed openly.

P.S. Being open can help teenagers be compliant too (I think) because they don't have to hide their treatments to "keep the secret"

 

[lizzy]

just adding my 2cents worth, I understand how you wouldn't want your daughter to be embarassed and I get the whole privacy thing, but I think Emily and Amy have a point. Remember these girls not to long ago were in the midst of some of the toughest years. The teenage years. I always try to remember a saying, choose your battles carefully.

 

[lizzy]

just adding my 2cents worth, I understand how you wouldn't want your daughter to be embarassed and I get the whole privacy thing, but I think Emily and Amy have a point. Remember these girls not to long ago were in the midst of some of the toughest years. The teenage years. I always try to remember a saying, choose your battles carefully.

 

[lizzy]

just adding my 2cents worth, I understand how you wouldn't want your daughter to be embarassed and I get the whole privacy thing, but I think Emily and Amy have a point. Remember these girls not to long ago were in the midst of some of the toughest years. The teenage years. I always try to remember a saying, choose your battles carefully.

 

[dchorses]

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your daughters situation. I am now 40 and went through all of that as well. Personally, I found that the more information people had about my condition, the better off I was.
I was a lucky child in that I didn't have much of the debilitating issues as many do. However, I did have additional needs that needed to be tended to.
I would need to leave class more often for bathroom breaks, have to go to the nurses station for meds, food and just feeling poor.
The teachers and students new my situation and didn't feel like I was getting special treatment.
My friends new about my condition early on and were less frightened that I had a "disease" because they new they were not in any jeopardy.
As I grew older, I was able to promote fund raisers for CF.
There are two sides of this predicament, one of privacy, and the other of awareness.
Your daughter may be one of those people that can use her situation to bring about awareness and get the kids in her school to rally around her and her plight.
God Bless
Donna

 

[dchorses]

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your daughters situation. I am now 40 and went through all of that as well. Personally, I found that the more information people had about my condition, the better off I was.
I was a lucky child in that I didn't have much of the debilitating issues as many do. However, I did have additional needs that needed to be tended to.
I would need to leave class more often for bathroom breaks, have to go to the nurses station for meds, food and just feeling poor.
The teachers and students new my situation and didn't feel like I was getting special treatment.
My friends new about my condition early on and were less frightened that I had a "disease" because they new they were not in any jeopardy.
As I grew older, I was able to promote fund raisers for CF.
There are two sides of this predicament, one of privacy, and the other of awareness.
Your daughter may be one of those people that can use her situation to bring about awareness and get the kids in her school to rally around her and her plight.
God Bless
Donna

 

[dchorses]

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your daughters situation. I am now 40 and went through all of that as well. Personally, I found that the more information people had about my condition, the better off I was.
I was a lucky child in that I didn't have much of the debilitating issues as many do. However, I did have additional needs that needed to be tended to.
I would need to leave class more often for bathroom breaks, have to go to the nurses station for meds, food and just feeling poor.
The teachers and students new my situation and didn't feel like I was getting special treatment.
My friends new about my condition early on and were less frightened that I had a "disease" because they new they were not in any jeopardy.
As I grew older, I was able to promote fund raisers for CF.
There are two sides of this predicament, one of privacy, and the other of awareness.
Your daughter may be one of those people that can use her situation to bring about awareness and get the kids in her school to rally around her and her plight.
God Bless
Donna

 

[2perfectboys]

janddburke

I'm sure your a great parent, and as you and others have stated, at some point it becomes the childs disease, and it's not up to us as parents to be open or private about it as we chose when they were younger. If u learned anything, not that it will probably help now, but maybe for others, It's to make your wishes known from the begining, then there is no grey area. I also think your smart for waiting to the end of the year to tell the principal, that way the teacher can't take it out on your daughter, for getting her in trouble.

Someone said that you as a mother was not ever attacked, but I have to disagree. Renee was making a valid point. People on this site should not psycoanalyze one's homelife, if people want to give their experiences growing up with CF that is one thing, and something very useful, as Emily is a good person to give great advice about growing up with CF. Bottom line, is there is no one way of parenting, and it's so evident on this site. Most kids turn out fine, even with the little errors we as parents make raising them. Then there are people that either had the best parental upbringing and still chose to be who they are or you had a really horrible childhood and it's made them a very sour person for the rest of your life.

Lori

 

[2perfectboys]

janddburke

I'm sure your a great parent, and as you and others have stated, at some point it becomes the childs disease, and it's not up to us as parents to be open or private about it as we chose when they were younger. If u learned anything, not that it will probably help now, but maybe for others, It's to make your wishes known from the begining, then there is no grey area. I also think your smart for waiting to the end of the year to tell the principal, that way the teacher can't take it out on your daughter, for getting her in trouble.

Someone said that you as a mother was not ever attacked, but I have to disagree. Renee was making a valid point. People on this site should not psycoanalyze one's homelife, if people want to give their experiences growing up with CF that is one thing, and something very useful, as Emily is a good person to give great advice about growing up with CF. Bottom line, is there is no one way of parenting, and it's so evident on this site. Most kids turn out fine, even with the little errors we as parents make raising them. Then there are people that either had the best parental upbringing and still chose to be who they are or you had a really horrible childhood and it's made them a very sour person for the rest of your life.

Lori

 

[2perfectboys]

janddburke

I'm sure your a great parent, and as you and others have stated, at some point it becomes the childs disease, and it's not up to us as parents to be open or private about it as we chose when they were younger. If u learned anything, not that it will probably help now, but maybe for others, It's to make your wishes known from the begining, then there is no grey area. I also think your smart for waiting to the end of the year to tell the principal, that way the teacher can't take it out on your daughter, for getting her in trouble.

Someone said that you as a mother was not ever attacked, but I have to disagree. Renee was making a valid point. People on this site should not psycoanalyze one's homelife, if people want to give their experiences growing up with CF that is one thing, and something very useful, as Emily is a good person to give great advice about growing up with CF. Bottom line, is there is no one way of parenting, and it's so evident on this site. Most kids turn out fine, even with the little errors we as parents make raising them. Then there are people that either had the best parental upbringing and still chose to be who they are or you had a really horrible childhood and it's made them a very sour person for the rest of your life.

Lori

 

[Scarlett81]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>janddburke</b></i>


I will however say something to the principal at the END of the school year. Not for me, but perhaps to save another child/parent the grief and worry.




this too will pass. Just wait until she gets her first pimple!!!!!!</end quote></div>

I think that is a great solution, and reasonable. I just get ticked when parents flip out on teachers or the school over certain issues. And to say about this "they broke the law, lets talk about a lawsuit..." well that in my opinion is exactly what is wrong with this world right now. (I'm not saying that thats what you wanted to do, but others mentioned it) Just saying my opinion on it, but parents send their kid a hugely wrong message when they get crazy and threaten their schools over relatively trivial matters. Kids lose respect for authority figures, and inevitably lose respect for themselves too...it doens't do your kid any favor to over react like that. (Of course I'm talking about smaller issues-there are certainly some cases when that is needed, but they are extreme.) And we're in a world where someone sues over coffee that is too hot. Its sad.

As someone earlier said-hipaa laws won't protect any child in the real world. And having a parent that runs off to attack/fight every person that hurts their child isn't helping them-they're harming them in the long run. Rather, teach them to become strong confident people that have tough enough armor to not let those things bother them too much. This isn't really directed at you original poster, but to some parents that commented and to parents of cfers in general.
I know I'm not a parent (yet..) and I know I don't know any of your families or children but I am a cfer in my 20s living as a successful adult and if I were in your shoes I'd want to hear what I had to say about getting through the tough years with this disease. It kinda hurts that you don't care about my opinion. I'm not an expert on your kids, but I am an expert on exactly what its like to have what your kid has. And when there's only 30,000 people in the US that have it, I'd think my 2 cents would be worth gold to you.

Wish you all well.

 

[Scarlett81]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>janddburke</b></i>


I will however say something to the principal at the END of the school year. Not for me, but perhaps to save another child/parent the grief and worry.




this too will pass. Just wait until she gets her first pimple!!!!!!</end quote></div>

I think that is a great solution, and reasonable. I just get ticked when parents flip out on teachers or the school over certain issues. And to say about this "they broke the law, lets talk about a lawsuit..." well that in my opinion is exactly what is wrong with this world right now. (I'm not saying that thats what you wanted to do, but others mentioned it) Just saying my opinion on it, but parents send their kid a hugely wrong message when they get crazy and threaten their schools over relatively trivial matters. Kids lose respect for authority figures, and inevitably lose respect for themselves too...it doens't do your kid any favor to over react like that. (Of course I'm talking about smaller issues-there are certainly some cases when that is needed, but they are extreme.) And we're in a world where someone sues over coffee that is too hot. Its sad.

As someone earlier said-hipaa laws won't protect any child in the real world. And having a parent that runs off to attack/fight every person that hurts their child isn't helping them-they're harming them in the long run. Rather, teach them to become strong confident people that have tough enough armor to not let those things bother them too much. This isn't really directed at you original poster, but to some parents that commented and to parents of cfers in general.
I know I'm not a parent (yet..) and I know I don't know any of your families or children but I am a cfer in my 20s living as a successful adult and if I were in your shoes I'd want to hear what I had to say about getting through the tough years with this disease. It kinda hurts that you don't care about my opinion. I'm not an expert on your kids, but I am an expert on exactly what its like to have what your kid has. And when there's only 30,000 people in the US that have it, I'd think my 2 cents would be worth gold to you.

Wish you all well.

 

[Scarlett81]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>janddburke</b></i>


I will however say something to the principal at the END of the school year. Not for me, but perhaps to save another child/parent the grief and worry.




this too will pass. Just wait until she gets her first pimple!!!!!!</end quote></div>

I think that is a great solution, and reasonable. I just get ticked when parents flip out on teachers or the school over certain issues. And to say about this "they broke the law, lets talk about a lawsuit..." well that in my opinion is exactly what is wrong with this world right now. (I'm not saying that thats what you wanted to do, but others mentioned it) Just saying my opinion on it, but parents send their kid a hugely wrong message when they get crazy and threaten their schools over relatively trivial matters. Kids lose respect for authority figures, and inevitably lose respect for themselves too...it doens't do your kid any favor to over react like that. (Of course I'm talking about smaller issues-there are certainly some cases when that is needed, but they are extreme.) And we're in a world where someone sues over coffee that is too hot. Its sad.

As someone earlier said-hipaa laws won't protect any child in the real world. And having a parent that runs off to attack/fight every person that hurts their child isn't helping them-they're harming them in the long run. Rather, teach them to become strong confident people that have tough enough armor to not let those things bother them too much. This isn't really directed at you original poster, but to some parents that commented and to parents of cfers in general.
I know I'm not a parent (yet..) and I know I don't know any of your families or children but I am a cfer in my 20s living as a successful adult and if I were in your shoes I'd want to hear what I had to say about getting through the tough years with this disease. It kinda hurts that you don't care about my opinion. I'm not an expert on your kids, but I am an expert on exactly what its like to have what your kid has. And when there's only 30,000 people in the US that have it, I'd think my 2 cents would be worth gold to you.

Wish you all well.

 

[sue35]

I think that is also a great way to think about it. When she gets her first pimple this will feel like nothing. Her whole world will collapse when that happens. I teach 6th graders and you should see the way they try and cover it up<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[sue35]

I think that is also a great way to think about it. When she gets her first pimple this will feel like nothing. Her whole world will collapse when that happens. I teach 6th graders and you should see the way they try and cover it up<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[sue35]

I think that is also a great way to think about it. When she gets her first pimple this will feel like nothing. Her whole world will collapse when that happens. I teach 6th graders and you should see the way they try and cover it up<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif" border="0">

 

[AnD]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>janddburke</b></i>

WOW what a response.

very interesting insights, even the ones I didn't really agree with. enought said.



We've always treated Jess's CF rather matter of factly. it wasn't until 1st grade that she realized not all her friends did therapy and had nebulizers. there were enough nebbie's in day care and kindergatern for her not to question until then.



during sleep overs her vest was fought over for her friends (12 friends at one particular sleep over) to try on.



the nebulizer was used down the shore to blow up beach toys and for balloon games on rainy days.



just matter of fact. this is what you do. as if it were brushing your teeth.



you wouldn't be embarrassed about brushing your teeth, right? move on.



all of a sudden at 12, she is very self conscious. so we follow her lead.



we didn't say anything to the teacher right away as was my intial impulse but waited about 2 months to talk during a parent conference.



I will however say something to the principal at the END of the school year. Not for me, but perhaps to save another child/parent the grief and worry.



Kids are resilient. most of it has blown over, but Jess says if she starts coughing or sneezing she does get the feeling that people pay particular attention.



this too will pass. Just wait until she gets her first pimple!!!!!!</end quote></div>


Well, it sounds like you and Jess are doing a good job handling it, your solution for discussing it at the end of the year is very sensible <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">, and she is talking to you about how it makes her feel, which is the most important thing IMHO, so that is great! Her feelings at this age are her own, as she is coming into shaping her own identity, but she knows that you are there for her, and that it is safe to talk to you, no matter what her feelings. I feel like (again, IMHO) that if you had raised her to be "ashamed and secretive" about her cf, she wouldn't be talking to you about it so well. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Sounds like everything will be just fine <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.



And just for the record, I was only mentioning the lawsuit in context of what would happen in the lawsuit happy adult <i>corporate</i>/working world, not as a solution for this <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.

 

[AnD]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>janddburke</b></i>

WOW what a response.

very interesting insights, even the ones I didn't really agree with. enought said.



We've always treated Jess's CF rather matter of factly. it wasn't until 1st grade that she realized not all her friends did therapy and had nebulizers. there were enough nebbie's in day care and kindergatern for her not to question until then.



during sleep overs her vest was fought over for her friends (12 friends at one particular sleep over) to try on.



the nebulizer was used down the shore to blow up beach toys and for balloon games on rainy days.



just matter of fact. this is what you do. as if it were brushing your teeth.



you wouldn't be embarrassed about brushing your teeth, right? move on.



all of a sudden at 12, she is very self conscious. so we follow her lead.



we didn't say anything to the teacher right away as was my intial impulse but waited about 2 months to talk during a parent conference.



I will however say something to the principal at the END of the school year. Not for me, but perhaps to save another child/parent the grief and worry.



Kids are resilient. most of it has blown over, but Jess says if she starts coughing or sneezing she does get the feeling that people pay particular attention.



this too will pass. Just wait until she gets her first pimple!!!!!!</end quote></div>


Well, it sounds like you and Jess are doing a good job handling it, your solution for discussing it at the end of the year is very sensible <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">, and she is talking to you about how it makes her feel, which is the most important thing IMHO, so that is great! Her feelings at this age are her own, as she is coming into shaping her own identity, but she knows that you are there for her, and that it is safe to talk to you, no matter what her feelings. I feel like (again, IMHO) that if you had raised her to be "ashamed and secretive" about her cf, she wouldn't be talking to you about it so well. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Sounds like everything will be just fine <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.



And just for the record, I was only mentioning the lawsuit in context of what would happen in the lawsuit happy adult <i>corporate</i>/working world, not as a solution for this <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.

 

[AnD]

<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote><i>Originally posted by: <b>janddburke</b></i>

WOW what a response.

very interesting insights, even the ones I didn't really agree with. enought said.



We've always treated Jess's CF rather matter of factly. it wasn't until 1st grade that she realized not all her friends did therapy and had nebulizers. there were enough nebbie's in day care and kindergatern for her not to question until then.



during sleep overs her vest was fought over for her friends (12 friends at one particular sleep over) to try on.



the nebulizer was used down the shore to blow up beach toys and for balloon games on rainy days.



just matter of fact. this is what you do. as if it were brushing your teeth.



you wouldn't be embarrassed about brushing your teeth, right? move on.



all of a sudden at 12, she is very self conscious. so we follow her lead.



we didn't say anything to the teacher right away as was my intial impulse but waited about 2 months to talk during a parent conference.



I will however say something to the principal at the END of the school year. Not for me, but perhaps to save another child/parent the grief and worry.



Kids are resilient. most of it has blown over, but Jess says if she starts coughing or sneezing she does get the feeling that people pay particular attention.



this too will pass. Just wait until she gets her first pimple!!!!!!</end quote></div>


Well, it sounds like you and Jess are doing a good job handling it, your solution for discussing it at the end of the year is very sensible <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">, and she is talking to you about how it makes her feel, which is the most important thing IMHO, so that is great! Her feelings at this age are her own, as she is coming into shaping her own identity, but she knows that you are there for her, and that it is safe to talk to you, no matter what her feelings. I feel like (again, IMHO) that if you had raised her to be "ashamed and secretive" about her cf, she wouldn't be talking to you about it so well. <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Sounds like everything will be just fine <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.



And just for the record, I was only mentioning the lawsuit in context of what would happen in the lawsuit happy adult <i>corporate</i>/working world, not as a solution for this <img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0">.

 

[janddburke]

I think there are two separate ways to look at this.

one is from Jess's perspective. and actually she took it much better than I might have at her age under the same circumstances. She was very upset at first. but we talked about it and agreed I wouldn't storm down to her school and demand to speak to the principal.

the other perspective is mine. Maybe I'm a little over protective. I wont apologize for that. But I really do appreciate all your feedback. We've been very fortunate and haven't had a lot of flare ups or an excessive amount of missed school. this whole episode has been sort of a wake up call for us. Sort of like getting diagnosed all over again. The teacher thing is only one facet. This forum has been very helpful.

thanks and best of health to all of you