Peanut2008
New member
Thank u all for ur replies, My daughter is from a different father, i have not tested her but i did adv her to get tested when she decides to become a mother in case her partner is also a carrier...June 24th would have been the day that I was supposed to have Peanut....i dont know how to feel..I actually thought that I would have felt a lot worse then what i am feeling but as it turns out my god son Ethan was in the hospital on Sunday and we were told that he had something called Crope(i dont know if this is the way its spelled) well he was given some nebuliser treatments and was given steroids and he cried and cried and cried and coughed and couldnt breath and cried some more...he is only 1yr and 9 months....seeing him crying soo much and soo scared and not being able to help him and his mother my sister holding him with this fear in her eyes made me realize the resaon why i decided to terminate my pregnancy...no matter how much comfort was given to this little boy, no matter how much we knew that everything that was done was for his own good, no matter how much we wanted to we couldnt make him better at that moment....at that moment with tears in my eyes i realized that although i did nt give birth to peanut yesterday and that although i will never hold peanut i did the best thing i could because i will also never see my peanut cry for me to stop the pain or help him breath and not be able to. I will never have to tell my baby who does nt understand y that everything he would have had to go through was for his own good. My godson was crying for me and his mommy and we could nt help him. I will always see all the mothers that actually have the streght and heart to go through this for their children as heroes, there is nothing else that can be said about these women and men what take care of their children and make everyday special. I know if i would have had my Peanut he would have been everything to me but i also know that I would have never been able to make things right or better and I would nt have been able to live with myself...I will never forget Peanut and who he may have been but i know in my heart that i spared him from something that i am still trying to understand. In ref to the IVF i went to the Women Hospital that is affiliated with Columbia Presbyterian hospital in NY, I am still waiting for the Drs letter and I am trying to remain positive. I do need to go get some help to deal with this loss because i honestly sometimes just start crying and everyone tries to be comforting to me but it does nt work. I dont like to cry and before this whole thing crying for me was very rare but it seems like now everytime i see a baby boy it hurts so much i start crying. I know one day i will be ok and hopeflly i will go and get some help because i do need it but i dont really like to let anyone know how i feel...me coming here and telling all of u whats inside of me is a huge step not even my fiancee knows that i am still hurting or the fears that i have about the IVF process. Maybe one day i will go see someone but that day will not be today. I hope everyone is still doing good and i thank all of u from the bottom of my heart because u are the only ones that know how i actually feel.
Peanut2008
Peanut2008