Question for Spouses

thelizardqueen · Jan 26, 2006

Can you be absolutly sure that a "working girl" will MAKE him wear a condom or shower first? In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, I would rather my guy find a pretty girl at a pub, then go cruising looking for hookers. God knows what he'll get from a hooker, who makes it her life to "service" guys of all walks of life. That being said, what about a f*ck friend? He could always go online for something like that. I know that lavalife.com is a good site for that. Lavalife offers 3 sections on their site - dating, relationships, or the wildside (which is for people looking for something outside of their relationships. What about Ashleymadison.com? That site is strickly for people looking for outside sex. I dunno, I don't condone people having affairs, but then again its none of my business what people do with their private lifes. To me though, hookers just seem very seedy and unreliable. Besides, what is the difference between a street walker and a girl at the pub? Isn't a hooker more shameful then a one night stand? To me a hooker and a "one night stand" are one and the same when it comes to just sex.

thelizardqueen · Jan 26, 2006

Can you be absolutly sure that a "working girl" will MAKE him wear a condom or shower first? In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, I would rather my guy find a pretty girl at a pub, then go cruising looking for hookers. God knows what he'll get from a hooker, who makes it her life to "service" guys of all walks of life. That being said, what about a f*ck friend? He could always go online for something like that. I know that lavalife.com is a good site for that. Lavalife offers 3 sections on their site - dating, relationships, or the wildside (which is for people looking for something outside of their relationships. What about Ashleymadison.com? That site is strickly for people looking for outside sex. I dunno, I don't condone people having affairs, but then again its none of my business what people do with their private lifes. To me though, hookers just seem very seedy and unreliable. Besides, what is the difference between a street walker and a girl at the pub? Isn't a hooker more shameful then a one night stand? To me a hooker and a "one night stand" are one and the same when it comes to just sex.

perl · Jan 26, 2006

I appreciate your comments, Kat.

Prostitution is legal in NZ, correct? This calls for a more regulated & safer system than that in the US (excep: Nevada). The hookers are tested regularly & must operate through licensed houses. These houses answer to federal regulations. Please correct me if I am wrong, but this is the info I obtained online.

Also, it's inherent to the job description that they are there for sex, not love, which makes it a more cut & dry relationship; a business relationship. This would definitely make a sex worker more appealing than a pick-up at the bar, if one were concerned w/ intimacy running amok.

perl · Jan 26, 2006

I appreciate your comments, Kat.

Prostitution is legal in NZ, correct? This calls for a more regulated & safer system than that in the US (excep: Nevada). The hookers are tested regularly & must operate through licensed houses. These houses answer to federal regulations. Please correct me if I am wrong, but this is the info I obtained online.

Also, it's inherent to the job description that they are there for sex, not love, which makes it a more cut & dry relationship; a business relationship. This would definitely make a sex worker more appealing than a pick-up at the bar, if one were concerned w/ intimacy running amok.

anonymous · Jan 26, 2006

Hi again
Here in NZ prostitution and brothels are now legal, so they are managed just like any other business, with rules, protocols etc. The girls all have full health check ups every 3 months and can't work without a clear result after these checks. Showers and condoms are mandatory. I just feel that with a f@#k buddy that he goes to regularly, feelings will probably develop in the long term. If he met a girl in a pub and took her home, the chance is there for no condom to be used and just a general lack of precaution and hygiene largely because alcohol would be involved - with a prostitute that can't happen. Also, I'm assuming he would return to the same brothel he used occasionally before we met, which I know is a good one and i'm also assuming he would probably exercise his male preference for variety and not use the same girl every time........thereby limiting the chance of any emotions developing - plus i'm pretty sure prostitutes would seldom, if ever, develop feelings for a client, even if he was a long termer.
I guess looking back at this answer, i'm making quite a few assumptions, maybe I need to discuss it with him in more depth and turn some of these into cold, hard facts. He hates talking about it and says he won't do it, but i'm looking to the future as well, when I will probably get an awful lot sicker and our sex life will die completely - he will still have the need and the desire and I would rather know about it and control it somewhat, than have him lie to me and do it behind my back.
Thank you for your response lizardqueen, I was pleased that you didn't knock me back for my unusual take on things and instead offered some helpful advice while pointing out some possible pitfalls.

Kat (37 with CF, NZ)

anonymous · Jan 26, 2006

Hi again
Here in NZ prostitution and brothels are now legal, so they are managed just like any other business, with rules, protocols etc. The girls all have full health check ups every 3 months and can't work without a clear result after these checks. Showers and condoms are mandatory. I just feel that with a f@#k buddy that he goes to regularly, feelings will probably develop in the long term. If he met a girl in a pub and took her home, the chance is there for no condom to be used and just a general lack of precaution and hygiene largely because alcohol would be involved - with a prostitute that can't happen. Also, I'm assuming he would return to the same brothel he used occasionally before we met, which I know is a good one and i'm also assuming he would probably exercise his male preference for variety and not use the same girl every time........thereby limiting the chance of any emotions developing - plus i'm pretty sure prostitutes would seldom, if ever, develop feelings for a client, even if he was a long termer.
I guess looking back at this answer, i'm making quite a few assumptions, maybe I need to discuss it with him in more depth and turn some of these into cold, hard facts. He hates talking about it and says he won't do it, but i'm looking to the future as well, when I will probably get an awful lot sicker and our sex life will die completely - he will still have the need and the desire and I would rather know about it and control it somewhat, than have him lie to me and do it behind my back.
Thank you for your response lizardqueen, I was pleased that you didn't knock me back for my unusual take on things and instead offered some helpful advice while pointing out some possible pitfalls.

Kat (37 with CF, NZ)

miesl · Jan 26, 2006

*waves back to Emichelly*

The problem most people are having is with those who are having affairs behind the back of the other partner...

If both partners are consenting to the outside relationships - I don't care. I might not understand - but it doesn't bother me. I would tend to use the term "open relationship" instead of cheating. If the cheated on partner has no idea... that's a breach of trust = badness = affair, cheating.

miesl · Jan 26, 2006

*waves back to Emichelly*

The problem most people are having is with those who are having affairs behind the back of the other partner...

If both partners are consenting to the outside relationships - I don't care. I might not understand - but it doesn't bother me. I would tend to use the term "open relationship" instead of cheating. If the cheated on partner has no idea... that's a breach of trust = badness = affair, cheating.

anonymous · Jan 26, 2006

Wow - I had no idea that prostitution is legal in nevada. I suppose things are a lot more strict here in Canada - more specifically Manitoba. Prostitution is illegal here. And many of our prostitutes are known for carrying a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases. Reading this thread has definitly opened my eyes to a lot of things I never really needed to think about. At the moment, I'm far from not being able to have sex, but I hate to think what the future may bring. My bf and I are getting married next summer, and last night we talked about the possibility of me not being able to have sex in the future because of complications for the first time. He tells me that he's not an overtly sexual person to begin with, which is true - to him he's happy having sex 3 maybe 4 times a week. He's told me that so long as there is intimacy in our realtionship (hugging, kissing, holding, touching, cuddling, etc.), he is fine with not actually haveing any penetration whatsoever. That being said, I don't know if I'd want him to lead that life, and I don't know if I'm unselfish enough to tell him to go elsewhere for it. This topic is definitly a hard one to swallow.

anonymous · Jan 26, 2006

Wow - I had no idea that prostitution is legal in nevada. I suppose things are a lot more strict here in Canada - more specifically Manitoba. Prostitution is illegal here. And many of our prostitutes are known for carrying a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases. Reading this thread has definitly opened my eyes to a lot of things I never really needed to think about. At the moment, I'm far from not being able to have sex, but I hate to think what the future may bring. My bf and I are getting married next summer, and last night we talked about the possibility of me not being able to have sex in the future because of complications for the first time. He tells me that he's not an overtly sexual person to begin with, which is true - to him he's happy having sex 3 maybe 4 times a week. He's told me that so long as there is intimacy in our realtionship (hugging, kissing, holding, touching, cuddling, etc.), he is fine with not actually haveing any penetration whatsoever. That being said, I don't know if I'd want him to lead that life, and I don't know if I'm unselfish enough to tell him to go elsewhere for it. This topic is definitly a hard one to swallow.

thelizardqueen · Jan 26, 2006

I forgot to login - that previous post was me.

thelizardqueen · Jan 26, 2006

I forgot to login - that previous post was me.

littledebbie · Jan 26, 2006

Okay this was just one of my thoughts when I was reading that charming board.

When they were talking about the IS (nice label) being rude or abusive, I couldn't help but wonder if it was just possible that the IS can perhaps detect the WS' disgust, anger etc. directed at them. I know it's more correctly directed at the situation etc. but if that board was any indication some of those WS seem to be focusing a lot of their frustration on the spouse. And, maybe the IS is feeling angry and guilty that they have you involved in this that maybe it's unfair of them to still want them in their life, since it's such a hardship on them etc. Also, I know there's a certain degree of annonimity (Sp sorry) on these boards but the way they would discuss some things that I'm sure are very personal to the IS ...putting their finger...anyway, it just sounded so calus and I hate to say it but since this in only my OPINION, i will, it's not really their's to tell. That's a function of the spouses body and to me it deserves a little more sensitivity/confidentiallity than that. I need help sometimes, but it's not always easy to ask for and if i felt like someone was only helping me out of obligation, i would feel so frustrated, vulnerable, pathetic, i don't know, I'm just so grateful for the people who love me right now.

Emily, Ally, Michelle, you were all very well spoken and reasonable, high fives all around for trying to reason with them...mission impossible.

emily, why I don't think I'll be looking again, this has really made me appreciate the people in my life who love me even more (and I didn't think that was possible) and again reminds me that I should be on the look out for someone VERY special (like Ally) whenI'm ready to settle down. Thanks for being brilliant as always.

littledebbie · Jan 26, 2006

Okay this was just one of my thoughts when I was reading that charming board.

When they were talking about the IS (nice label) being rude or abusive, I couldn't help but wonder if it was just possible that the IS can perhaps detect the WS' disgust, anger etc. directed at them. I know it's more correctly directed at the situation etc. but if that board was any indication some of those WS seem to be focusing a lot of their frustration on the spouse. And, maybe the IS is feeling angry and guilty that they have you involved in this that maybe it's unfair of them to still want them in their life, since it's such a hardship on them etc. Also, I know there's a certain degree of annonimity (Sp sorry) on these boards but the way they would discuss some things that I'm sure are very personal to the IS ...putting their finger...anyway, it just sounded so calus and I hate to say it but since this in only my OPINION, i will, it's not really their's to tell. That's a function of the spouses body and to me it deserves a little more sensitivity/confidentiallity than that. I need help sometimes, but it's not always easy to ask for and if i felt like someone was only helping me out of obligation, i would feel so frustrated, vulnerable, pathetic, i don't know, I'm just so grateful for the people who love me right now.

Emily, Ally, Michelle, you were all very well spoken and reasonable, high fives all around for trying to reason with them...mission impossible.

emily, why I don't think I'll be looking again, this has really made me appreciate the people in my life who love me even more (and I didn't think that was possible) and again reminds me that I should be on the look out for someone VERY special (like Ally) whenI'm ready to settle down. Thanks for being brilliant as always.

Emily65Roses · Jan 26, 2006

<blockquote>Quote <hr>Originally posted by: miesl *waves back to Emichelly*
The problem most people are having is with those who are having affairs behind the back of the other partner...
If both partners are consenting to the outside relationships - I don't care. I might not understand - but it doesn't bother me. I would tend to use the term "open relationship" instead of cheating. If the cheated on partner has no idea... that's a breach of trust = badness = affair, cheating.<hr></blockquote>

That is my problem as well. I could never agree to Mike screwing other women. But that's not my business as long as BOTH spouses know about the situation and have agreed to it. The thing that makes me want to smack them all are the cheating (cheating implying only one knows... like Michelle said, if both know, that's an open relationship) lying abusive spouses.

Emily65Roses · Jan 26, 2006

<blockquote>Quote <hr>Originally posted by: miesl *waves back to Emichelly*
The problem most people are having is with those who are having affairs behind the back of the other partner...
If both partners are consenting to the outside relationships - I don't care. I might not understand - but it doesn't bother me. I would tend to use the term "open relationship" instead of cheating. If the cheated on partner has no idea... that's a breach of trust = badness = affair, cheating.<hr></blockquote>

That is my problem as well. I could never agree to Mike screwing other women. But that's not my business as long as BOTH spouses know about the situation and have agreed to it. The thing that makes me want to smack them all are the cheating (cheating implying only one knows... like Michelle said, if both know, that's an open relationship) lying abusive spouses.

kybert · Jan 27, 2006

im reading the rest of the board now. it breaks my heart. what selfish people. they all act as if they were forced into their situation. ive got news for them, everyone has a choice! some people are even suggesting to others to pretend the IS doesnt even exist and to let them fend for themselves without explaining anything! some are flipping out at the most pettiest things and saying "IS did x little thing, i want a divorce or an affair now!". some are blaming the IS for having a disease. some think they are the be all and end all and that a disabled person is just an inadequate piece of rubbish who is in their way and wasting their time. and most of these people are proud that they have acted this way. acted like selfish spoilt brats who seek out so called 'bad' situations and keep themselves in them so they can whinge and whine and get pats on the back from like minded people. what drama queens. id like for them to spend a day in our shoes. i dont buy this "well spend a day in a carers shoes" BS that they all throw around, because quite frankly, we already know what its like to be a carer. everyone who is ill is a carer to themselves and we dont get a choice about it either. we also have to do it 24/7. we dont get breaks if we get fed up. we dont get to cheat if we get fed up. we dont get to leave if we get fed up. we dont get to ignore ourselves if we get fed up. these people need to wake up and stop feeling sorry for themselves and realise that they are not the person whose got it the worst here.

but

something also tells me that these people would do these kinds of things even if they were with a WS. WS doesnt cook meals right? "im going to have an affair!". WS didnt mow the lawn right? "im going to screw your bestfriend!". i dont think these people will ever be satisfied with who they are with or what they have. you could give them a 'perfect' life and they will probably spend every second of the day trying to pick out everything thats bad. its very unfortunate that they ended up with people who cant defend themselves properly. i wish i could tell the IS's that the person they love isnt the person they think they are.

kybert · Jan 27, 2006

im reading the rest of the board now. it breaks my heart. what selfish people. they all act as if they were forced into their situation. ive got news for them, everyone has a choice! some people are even suggesting to others to pretend the IS doesnt even exist and to let them fend for themselves without explaining anything! some are flipping out at the most pettiest things and saying "IS did x little thing, i want a divorce or an affair now!". some are blaming the IS for having a disease. some think they are the be all and end all and that a disabled person is just an inadequate piece of rubbish who is in their way and wasting their time. and most of these people are proud that they have acted this way. acted like selfish spoilt brats who seek out so called 'bad' situations and keep themselves in them so they can whinge and whine and get pats on the back from like minded people. what drama queens. id like for them to spend a day in our shoes. i dont buy this "well spend a day in a carers shoes" BS that they all throw around, because quite frankly, we already know what its like to be a carer. everyone who is ill is a carer to themselves and we dont get a choice about it either. we also have to do it 24/7. we dont get breaks if we get fed up. we dont get to cheat if we get fed up. we dont get to leave if we get fed up. we dont get to ignore ourselves if we get fed up. these people need to wake up and stop feeling sorry for themselves and realise that they are not the person whose got it the worst here.

but

something also tells me that these people would do these kinds of things even if they were with a WS. WS doesnt cook meals right? "im going to have an affair!". WS didnt mow the lawn right? "im going to screw your bestfriend!". i dont think these people will ever be satisfied with who they are with or what they have. you could give them a 'perfect' life and they will probably spend every second of the day trying to pick out everything thats bad. its very unfortunate that they ended up with people who cant defend themselves properly. i wish i could tell the IS's that the person they love isnt the person they think they are.

boyfriendofCFer · Jan 27, 2006

hey so I'm dating a girl(25) with c.f and plan to marry her no matter how much she changes during the last months or years of her life. I will not cheat on her she will need my prayer & un-conditional love. I totally agree with you I'm also offended

boyfriendofCFer · Jan 27, 2006

hey so I'm dating a girl(25) with c.f and plan to marry her no matter how much she changes during the last months or years of her life. I will not cheat on her she will need my prayer & un-conditional love. I totally agree with you I'm also offended

Question for Spouses

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